Fourteen

[purplejacket]

He was harder than frozen butter;
how painfully he begged.

She was wetter than melted butter
and trembling in the sweating tent.

He poked his finger into the soft
of her brand new bra-less booby.

How quietly she
sighed an ivory flower.

How cold were his thighs
in the sleeping bag.

She could do this kindness
while ferns shadowed like evergreen
cartoons against the canvas.

---

previous version:

He was harder than frozen butter;
how painfully he begged.

She was wetter than melted butter
and trembling in the sweating tent.

He poked his finger into the soft
of her brand new bra-less booby.

How quietly she finally
sighed an ivory flower

into an evanescent cloud.
How cold were his thighs

in the sleeping bag.
She could do this kindness

while ferns shadowed like cartoon
evergreens against the canvas.

[mfwilkie]

pj, A quick thought after a first read..

While ferns shadowed the canvas
like cartoon evergreens,

she would do this kindness.

Maggie

[LynnDoiron]

Maybe 'trembled' for 'trembling' in S2?
A couple other thoughts. Round file if they don't suit your voice or intent.

He was harder than frozen butter;
how painfully he begged.

She was wetter than melted butter
and trembl(ed) in the sweating tent.

He poked his finger into the soft
of her new bra-less booby.

How quietly she finally sighed an ivory flower.*
into an evanescent cloud.
How cold were his thighs

in the sleeping bag.
She could do this kindness

while ferns shadowed like (evergreen)
cartoons [evergreens] against the canvas.

[just me, my meddling with your powerful work. The end stanza, with its cartoons against the canvas reads a little stronger for me -- but am often wrong!

*i LOVE the ivory flower and suggested omitting the evanescent line because it dilutes that flower line, a bit, for me.

lynn

[purplejacket]

no I love the position trade with cartoon & evergreen. I wasn't satisfied with ending that line with cartoon, but was too darn lazy to figure out something better.

I see what you mean about the evanescent line. It may not be necessary for what I was trying to insinuate. Will consider.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I really like this, the revision is really solid, but I agree with Lynn about dropping "finally"; for me it's just a smoother path without it. Regardless, this is excellent. Ron

[purplejacket]

Thanks Ron.
I think you're right. It's good to put some time between the writing and the revision.

and *poof* it's gone!