Bloom

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I drink spring with thirsty eyes.
Delicate red and green filaments
adorn branches that have slept alone,
eager now to cover their nakedness.

As each branch awakens in scenic array,
Mother Tree, with innate, infinite intelligence
integrates it into entirety.

Only then do blossoms instill breathlessness.

[mfwilkie]

Jon, I'd like to see you turn the last verse in the 1S into something a bit more positive.

Glad you're writing a Spring poem, but I think it needs more
concrete and active images than what you have here.

Maggie

[Marion Poirier]

Jon, I like the first stanza a lot. The second stanza
seems muddled to my simple ear. Mother tree and
unified treeness does not work for me, and IMO
the entire stanza is more telling than showing.

S3 needs a stronger ending line and is also essentially
telling.

From my perspective, the first stanza is the poem, eloquently
executed and creative.

I'm sure that you are aware that seasons are normally
lower case unless for emphasis. I don't think that it is
necessary in this poem to capitalize as the entire poem
is unmistakably about spring and indicated in the title.

Marion

[mfwilkie]

My problem with the last line in the 1S, M,
is that it makes the bare boughs of winter
seem like something to be ashamed of.

'eager to cover their nakedness'

Maggie

[Marion Poirier]

Maggie,
My thought process was that the branches
were eager for cover from the cold, also
for aesthetic reasons. In the naked
state the trees appear skeletal - dismal
without leaves and blossoms.

M

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Thank you M&M (you're both so sweet!) for your comments. I'll figure out how to do more showing in S2 and 3.
Marion...your interpretation of the nakedness is what I had in mind.

[mfwilkie]

Jon, I was thinking more like eager for the company of green and music, of life.

Moi

[LynnDoiron]

lovely to read your work again, jon.

ignore at will, but in S1 the dash makes me move back to the filaments as the ones in want of cover, rather than the obvioius branches. not a problem for other readers, so ... there you go!


lynn

[Ken_Nye]

Hi, Jon. This has an Eastern feel to it.
I love the last line.

But I don't understand the "unified treeness." (Maybe that's why I think it has an Eastern feel??)

Ken