If I live to be an old man

[Ken_Nye]

Note: As some of you who know me know, the subjects for my poems come from my life. This has sometimes made people reluctant to be critical of my poems because they don't want to step on something that may be very close to me. (E.g. my mother's death last summer.) This poem is also autobiographical, but I don't want anyone to be reluctant to make suggestions of ways in which it might be improved. Regardless of how personal the topic I am writing about might be, if I have posted it here I'm looking for others' opinions of ways in which it might be better. Thanks for taking a look at it.

Ken


If I live to be an old man


and end up in a wheel chair or bedridden
with Parkinson's disease,
I will still play basketball with my fellow jocks,
ride my bicycle on beautiful summer mornings in Maine
when the traffic is light and I can still hear bobolinks
in the meadow down by the mud flats.

I will still climb Katahdin every summer,
take the Roaring Brook Trail up to Chimney Pond
and the Cathedral Trail up to the summit
and marvel at the magnificent panorama
laid out below me.

I will still play ball with my beloved dogs,
always using two balls so they will forever
want the one they don't have and
give me the one they do.

I will still pull gum balls out of little kids' ears,
show them how I can catch in my hand
the sound of a plucked silver fork,
carry the sound across the table
and drop it into a goblet.

If I live to be an old man,
I expect Parkinson's is going to
give me some trouble.
But it will not tell me
how I can and cannot use my time,
and it is
never,
ever
going to tell me
I can't dream.

[Marion Poirier]

Ken, I think you have fine-tuned this one to near
perfection.

I would not repeat the line in the title but use the
first line as the title as I have seen often in contemporary
poetry and use it myself. Example:

If I live to be an old man (title) lower case

and end up in a wheel chair or bedridden,
I will still play basketball . . . . .

I don't think you need to mention Parkinson's here
as you mention it later in the poem - this could apply to
many circumstances and leaves a little mystery until
you explain.

S3, a little unclear what you mean by last line here
could be me - my mind works in a peculiar way.

Good luck, my friend. Parkinson's has not affected
your writing - better than ever.

Great job!

Marion

[Ken_Nye]

Thanks, Marion, that's a great idea to blend the title right into the first line.

[mfwilkie]

Ken,

Like this a lot on a first read.

Great suggestion, M gave you.

Have some thoughts I'm mulling.

Back later.

Maggie

[Ken_Nye]

Mag, I'm dying top kmow what thqse thoughts are.

K.

[mfwilkie]

Ken, In the middle of multiplew ritings of sonnet crowns with several different poets.

Back to your poem in a couple of days.

Maggie

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Nothing to add to Marion's suggestion........(I agree with her) other than the life force continues to flow through you and seems to have surmounted the organic encumbrance. I wish you well, Ken.

[mfwilkie]

Ken,

Here are those suggestions I have for you.

They tighten the flow a bit.

And I thought near the end you could effectively use repitition

If I live to be an old man,


with Parkinson's disease
and

end up in a wheel chair
or bedridden by Parkinson's,
I will still play basketball with my fellow jocks,
ride my bicycle when the traffic is light
to hear bobolinks in the meadow
on beautiful summer mornings in Maine

I will still climb Katahdin every summer,
take the Roaring Brook Trail up to Chimney Pond(,)
and the Cathedral Trail up to the summit
and marvel at the magnificent panorama
laid out below me.

I will still play ball with my beloved dogs,
always using two balls so they will forever
want the one they don't have and
give me the one they do.

I will still pull gum balls out of little kids' ears,
show them how I can catch
the sound of a plucked silver fork
in my hand, carry that sound
across the table
and drop it into a goblet.

If I live to be an old man with this Parkinson's disease,
I expect it it's going to give me some trouble.
But I will not let it define the Parkinson's tell me
how I can and cannot use my time,

** The ending below(mine) is not how it should go, but I think you get my drift. Yours was too much like a fist in the face.


those times I am awake
and those times when I dream.


and it is
never,
ever
going to tell me
I can't dream.

Nice draft, BTW.

Maggie

[Ken_Nye]

Mag, a fist in the face is what I had in mind.

[mfwilkie]

I know, Ken, but I think you can write the anger better.

I know you can write it better.

Mag

N.B.

I'm pushing you here, mi amigo.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I've read and reread this several times now, Ken; just finished it once more. For me, my ear, it rings solid. I can hear your voice with that clear firm Maine ring to it, and personally I wouldn't change a thing. Ron