Fairy tale (ver 3)

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

In the sublime regions, I find the specificity
of popping universes and stirring molecules—
of a molded afternoon at the cinema,
popcorn and Skittles, my starry-eyed boys
dream their dreams, propelled beyond the sun,
they know there is a thunder and a roll where the powder sky ends,
a magnificent hiss in the jutting string of tangerine and speckled kite
streaming across these regions like stars and marrow.
As slow as the breath of lightning these pages unfurl
and for once upon a time, our time is now.

[Marion Poirier]

Leo, on first read I thought this to be an optimistic poem,
but the title sparks a note of cynicism so I'm not sure how
to interpret it.

Well- written with impressive language, though I'd
prefer a simpler rendition. You have two sentences
in the entire poem, the first a run on - so I suggest
a line break after a complete thought.

Nice work- very nice - suggest a title change - was thinking
it was a tale of happily ever after before I read the poem.
M

My suggestions:

An afternoon at the cinema,
popcorn and skittles, my starry-eyed boys
dream their dreams, propelled beyond the sun,

they know there is a thunder and a roll beyond
the powder sky,
a magnificent hiss in the jutting string of tangerine
and speckled kite streaming across these regions
like stars and marrow.

As slow as the breath of lightning these pages unfurl
and for once upon a time, our time is now.

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

as always we the subjective lot can run rings around what we pour into the fire... this poem rocks! I have an endearment to run-ons when they work and you've done a lovely job... title also pegs a notch for me. quibble as we will on what fits for ourselves, we often omit the page of the owner...
lovely work!

tidings
ron

[mfwilkie]

leo,

I'd go for that long run on Ron's suggests, but you might edge up the language a bit
something like:


In the sublime regions, I find specificity
in popping universes and the stirring molecules
of a molded cinematic afternoon

filled with popcorn and skittles and the starry-eyed
dreams of boys propelled beyond the sun,
beyond the thunder and roll they know will fade

Maggie

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I can see the points of all suggestions offered. There are choices to be made, but for me the strong push of words straight through the poem works for me.
I really like the image of "popping universes"; "secificity" is a word hard on my Okie tongue, but then you ain't an Okie. I'd cap or iticize "skittles" making the brand name clear. But when is all said and done I agree with Ron this poem rocks. RonHawk

[ramadevi]

Another one agreeing it rocks!

Especially the opening-

In the sublime regions, I find the specificity
of popping universes and stirring molecules—
of a molded afternoon at the cinema,

and extra especially the title.

Loved this Leo. No nits.

Bravo.