Mother Moon-Sister Serenity

[ramadevi]

Revision


With cosmic eye pinned to this velvet sky
your sly beams hint at hidden mysteries
which whisper with the silver shafts that fly
to ornament the branches of the trees.

The leaves and wind embrace, pleased by the show,
while stars wink winsomely, in reverence
for your ability to fully grow
and glow with strong, yet subtle, influence.

My mind intuits your implicit truth
as mystic doorways beckon ardently;
they tell of taste untouched by tongue or tooth,
an ecstasy that gently touches me.

Rich stillness, unaffected by your tide,
is where your light directs me to abide.

Original
With cosmic eye that's pinned to velvet sky
your sly beams hint of hidden mysteries
which whisper with the silver shafts that fly
and ornament dark branches of the trees.

The leaves and wind do tease, pleased by the show,
while stars wink winsomely, with reverence
for your ability to fully grow
and glow with strong, yet subtle, influence.

My mind intuits your implicit truth,
as mystic doorways beckon ardently-
and tell of taste untouched by tongue or tooth,
and ecstasy that touches me gently.

Rich stillness, unaffected by your tides,
is where your light directs me to abide.

[Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner]

Very nicely done elizabethan sonnet... dream-like quality.... a pleasure to read.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I always hesitate when rhyme and meter are in play, but the feel and heart of the work seem smooth to me. I enjoyed it so I'll leave the technical suggestions to those more accomplished than me in these regards. Ron

[ramadevi]

Thank you for reading and commenting dear Ron. Glad you stopped by.

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

Rama:

Really loved this... nice flow and solid transitions... a true song.

I thought the opening had some bumps to my ear...

With cosmic eye pinned to this velvet sky
your sly beams hint of hidden mysteries
which whisper with the silver shafts that fly
and ornament dark branches of the trees.


...so I thought of some slight of hand...


With cosmic eye pinned to this velvet sky
your sly beams hint of hidden mysteries;
they whisper to the silver flight of shafts
that ornament the dark branches of trees.


Truly wonderful piece!

Tidings
Ron

[ramadevi]

Thank you for your kind suggestions and comments dear Ron!
I like the idea of the semi colon and replacing which with they...but the other change alters the rhyme scheme, so would not work, as thi sis a sonnet!

Smiles, rd

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

I knew that...lol... must be the early signs of dementia...... what was I thinking... I'll remember in a minute...

tidings
ron

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Not much to nit, dear Rama. Here are just a few thoughts:

With cosmic eye pinned to this velvet sky
your sly beams hint of at hidden mysteries
which whisper with the silver shafts that fly
and to ornament dark the branches of the trees.

The leaves and wind embrace, pleased by the show,
while stars wink winsomely, with in reverence
for your ability to fully grow
and glow with strong, yet subtle, influence.

My mind intuits your implicit truth,
as mystic doorways beckon ardently-;
and they tell of taste untouched by tongue or tooth,
an ecstasy that gently touches me.

Rich stillness, unaffected by your tides, (I think 'tide' can stay singular here, thereby preserving the true rhyme)
is where your light directs me to abide.