Seven Minutes in Heaven ( introducing a friend)

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

I've recently reunited with an old friend from high school. I mentioned that one of my past times was writing poetry. This was her reponse to one of the letters I'd written her. I'm trying to convince her to join our group. I think she would be an awesome addition. Please let her know what you think.


Seven Minutes in Heaven

Restless in the dark of night
Her skin as hot as ember
She licks her lips and comes to grips
With senses throbbing, tender.

Another sleepless night appears
to be our damsel's doom
Her breathing weighted, unsedated -
Whispers through the room.

She wraps herself in silk and down,
But then rejects the feeling.
They're cast away, in disarray.
She stares up at the ceiling.

"I'll read a book!" She throws it down,
Then logs on for her email.
She opens one and comes undone
at one suggestive detail.

"Of course", she thinks. "I hadn't thought...
That's surely what I need!
A simple balm to make me calm,
To make this ache recede."

She finds an item requisite
Only to discover
To start this groove, she must remove
it's prophalactic cover.

"Why do they make this difficult?"
Her undertone, frustrated.
A sharp knife slips, the cello rips
Her pique's soon abated.

Laying back on pillows soft
The darkness wraps around her.
She finds release, a sense of peace
The speed of which astound her.

Seven minutes, not one more,
The soothing promise granted.
A cooling bliss, the sweetest kiss
upon her lips are planted.

Tranquil now, she falls asleep
though now and then she wakes.
A sweet reprise, then close her eyes
Til morning sunlight breaks.

Beside her bed, if you would look
You'd find the oddest notion _
A pile of sticks, numbered six,
All stripped of their sweet potion.

The stains upon the wood decry
what was upon it, frozen -
Three black cherry, three mixed berry
Were all the flavors chosen!

By Zambatriste

[mfwilkie]

I really enjoyed your friend's draft, Rick.

Enjoyed the suspense leading to the humor.

Technically, I especially enjoyed the language in the second and third stanzas;
particularly the third, with the turn from 'silk and down' to the 'ceiling '.
The images and language take your mind off the rhyme. Always a good thing in my mind.

She wraps herself in silk and down,
But then rejects the feeling.
They're cast away, in disarray.
She stares up at the ceiling.


Nice internal rhymes, too.

A few nits in meter, and a couple of spots where the language
in the line seems forced to fit the rhyme, but an overall pleasure to read.

Thanks for said pleasure—

Maggie

[David Nelson Bradsher]

I'll never look at ice cream and popsicles the same, Rick. Please encourage your friend to join us. There aren't many practitioners of rhyme and meter here, and I could use more of my ilk.

Thanks for posting this.

[MichaelFirewalker]

Zambatriste has a marvelous sense of erotic whimsy, which, at this time, strikes me as delightful as finding a sex shop in the midst of the Vatican----her poem is adroitly playful, and her style reminds me of you, dear Rick----it is intellegently, humorously astute----methinks she would be a terrific asset to this site!

thanks for the fun,
michael

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

How funny Michael!

Visit the Vatican Sex Shop where holey communion is immediately followed by holy communion. Your guilt is miraculously minimized in minutes at our drive-by confessional, no questions asked because, WE WERE THERE! Check out our sin and save specials! (now I'm definetly going to hell)

[LynnDoiron]

I thought your friend's poem was a kick, despite the rhyme. Sincerely, ye olde free verser, lynn

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Builds to a great climax. You lead the reader down one path, and the road forked abruptly.

Welcome to you and look forward to reading more of your work.
Rick and I go back a short ways.

If you're beginning each line with caps, check the few you missed.

Again welcome. Jon

[zambatriste]

Thank you all for your warm welcome. I look forward to reading your works and gettin' down to the nitty gritty with ma muse. I was charmed by the mention of the sexshop in the midst of the Vatican. What could be better? Flavored communion wafers and Italian lingerie.....

Again, thank you all for your kind words. And yes, Rick, you did tell me so!

Lara

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Got a big kick out of this one, Rick and Lara. Rick, thanks for injecting a fresh talent on the scene. Lara, the piece was a blast; it had a great sense of language and rhythm mixed with a tone and a voice that carried the reader smoothly through the work. Loved the internal rhyme, a big kixck to the quick fluid cadence. Welcome. Ron