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Post by ramadevi on May 27, 2009 8:40:18 GMT -5
rushing rapids voice
musical vitality-
liquid eloquence
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Post by Marion Poirier on May 27, 2009 12:13:10 GMT -5
Nice short poem, Rama. What is missing are
the concrete images for line 2 and line 3.
As it stands, too abstract and vague.
If you added the word sound and identified
the sound in second line - you could turn it
into a concrete image.
In line 3 liquid eloquence is also too general-
if you describe this line, you would have
a solid image.
Marion
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Post by ramadevi on May 27, 2009 22:30:39 GMT -5
Thank you Marion dear!
I did not actually know that haiku requires two concrete images (not a master!)
I hesitate to change this, as I like hte flow as it is, having aimed for a melodic sound in the voicing of this. I thought of altering MUSICAL to PERCUSSIVE...but it does not sound as good, musically speaking, when read aloud.
Musing on it. Thanks!
Love, rd
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Post by Marion Poirier on May 27, 2009 23:32:23 GMT -5
There may be another way to write this, Rama.
The only authentic haiku is written by the Japanese
Masters and their followers. There's some English
language haiku that is very well crafted - but as far
as I'm concerned can't duplicate the Japanese culture.
Here is another version that may be closer to haiku.
By the way, haiku's are fundamentally written
as untitled poems in most haiku circles, modern and
traditional. They usually include a verb, as well as
a fragment and two connecting lines. Hope this helps.
Marion
voices in the wind
rushing rapids soft refrain
echoes eloquence
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Post by ramadevi on May 28, 2009 11:40:17 GMT -5
Thanks Marion. I am grateful for your feedback.
In my poem, the word voice in first line is intended as a verb.
The first two lines read "rushing rapids voice musical vitality"
Fragment in line three- liquid eloquence.
So, i do not see why this is incorrect? I do like your suggestions...and it sounds good read aloud. will consider the change, but leaning to my original voice in this one.
Thanks so much!
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Post by Marion Poirier on May 28, 2009 12:52:15 GMT -5
Rama, I misread your poem. This is an instance
where a dash is needed for clarity after line 2.
I guess you could call this two images, comparing
the rapids with the sound of music.
It's all in the perception.
Marion
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Post by ramadevi on May 29, 2009 9:45:26 GMT -5
Great idea. thank you Marion!
Love, rd
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