Spent

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Spent

Courtesy coffee in my hand—it sucks.
Florescent lights, white floors, and whiter walls
illumine the display of mega-bucks
dismantled for repairs in service stalls.

First, my Jag bleeds black while clocking 80,
showing no gratitude for all I’ve spent;
and then my trophy, my expensive lady,
chooses the wrong time for an argument.

It seems the more I spend, the more I spend
ensuring I preserve a fragile piece
from coming to a dark and tragic end.

I’ve stained my hands to claim, and keep, what’s mine.
The Styrofoam is smudged with blood and grease;
by all accounts, I’ve reached the finished line.

[mfwilkie]

Hey, hey!

What about: My foam-fake cup/mug?

This will be fun to read saturday night!!

Love the way the repitition of the more I spend reads and sounds in the 3S.

Later

[Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner]

David-- love this my man... not used to seeing an edgy side of you. (Just me though as I haven't read much of your new stuff)

For me this entire poem turns on the words "fragile piece" there is good word play there and double meaning.... great inferences I like this !! -- Jarls

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

I know I have many blind spots... but can't get my head around L2-4 in the opening stanza... all else is bright and beautiful... as is the usual, brilliance for your compositions... just confused about those three lines... give me a boost up... will ya..

tidings
ron

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you, guys, and it's good to see so many friends here again.

I've been away for much too long, but I plan to invest more time here now that I've detangled myself from some time-sucking activities.

Mags, thank you, mon ami. I think I want to keep Styrofoam, but feel free to read it however you wish on Saturday. I know it's in good hands.

Jarls-
Thank you, my friend. Over the last year or so, I've taken to using metrical substitutions like most modern formalists, and the content has taken on an edgier veneer. I appreciate it.

Ron-
Not at all. I'm happy to assist, and perhaps to revise if it's not clear. L2-L4 sort of have a dual purpose--1) To be the service department of a high-end dealership, or 2) to possibly be the emergency room for the lady he just clocked.

Either way, he's on the losing pole of a downward spiral.

[mfwilkie]

Some thoughts on Ron's thoughts of your thoughts, D.


Courtesy coffee in my hand—it sucks.
Florescent lights, white floors, and whiter walls
present this array: spent mega-bucks,
dismantled for repair in service stalls.


This just came to me. I think this is agreat place for you to do something edgy.

Wedgewood-styrofoam: smudged with blood and grease;

[David Nelson Bradsher]

I'll have to think on it, Mags. The meter would have to be worked on to fit your suggestion in, but I know what you mean.

D

[mfwilkie]

That brings up a question: the 1st and 3rd verse of the second tercet are iambic as is your second verse.

My suggestion, using substitutions for the opening of that line,
and having it supported underneath by the iambs, does that pull at your ear?

And if you have a mo, D, would you scan that second line for me as you hear it?

Who loves ya??

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Mags, I'm confused as to which you're referring.

Do you mean the 1st and 3rd feet in the second tercet, or something else?

[mfwilkie]

Yes, my suggested line.

[Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner]

actually I think this could be written devoid of any stanzas at all.... in a piece like this i am not sure it needs the structure... the meter is there and it will flow on its own if you just choose good line breaks... IMHO... but then David I know you like structure...

Courtesy coffee in my hand
it sucks.
Florescent lights,
white floors,
and whiter walls
illumine the display
of mega-bucks
dismantled and repaired
in service stalls.

First, my Jag bleeds black
while clocking 80,
showing no gratitude
for all I’ve spent;
and then my trophy,
my expensive lady,
chooses the wrong time
for an argument..... etc etc just a thought....

[mfwilkie]

It does work that way, Jarls.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

It certainly does work that way, Jarls, and it's an interesting idea. The only problem, at least in my mind, is that it works the other way, too, and I'm not sure what justifies the change, other than the notion that it may take the reader out of worrying about the endrhymes, and thrusts them more into the meat of the piece.

Anyway, it's an interesting thought that I believe I may play with.

Thanks, Mike.

[Marion Poirier]

Really good vent, David and in sonnet form - almost -
guess it's a variation rather than the couplet at the end.

I'd prefer stinks in describing the coffee - but
I'm the older generation & it doesn't rhyme with
bucks.

I like the impact of the trophy line - ouch!
if that ain't enough,
you need a ton of bricks . . .

Good to see you back
and read your work.

Marion

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you, Marion. Actually, the sonnet has expanded to pretty much any type of rhyme scheme (if at all), as long as it encompasses fourteen lines. It's good to back. Thank you very much.

[mfwilkie]

What about:

dismantled for repairs in service stalls.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Good call, Mags. Thank you.