illumine the conspiracy (re-titled)

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

great inspiration
burns you in the fires
of decades past

those phantoms
walk within your dreams,
haunt your sun-drenched days
are they the ones who prod you forth
or is there something deeper
you’ve not seen within the scene
that holds you in that place and time

perhaps today
you’ll find the missing link
but damn, the magnifying glass
is stained with blood
from yesteryears
it makes you wield
frustrated fist
for how will truth be told
if hidden messages
cannot be found
in artifacts

determination cracks the code
with nothing more than focused eyes

therein lies the ending to your script

[Marion Poirier]

Hi JL,

Like the poem very much - just a couple of places cause
me to pause in an otherwise smooth read. My thoughts:

S2 Line 6 - seen within the scene. I'd use another word
for seen. I was thinking of recognized but a one syllable
word would be better.

S3, Line 4 - stained with blood.
Perhaps tears, grief, rain would be better.
The blood conjures up an image of physical abuse
if that is not your intent.

I'd eliminate the last four lines and end the poem
after S3, because IMO these lines are strictly telling
and leaves no mystery or food for thought to follow
the poem.

Marion

[determinedtofail]

your

Like the elements of time, depth, considering, and ability to notice. Very well done. As a reader, I want to continue my search to the next line. After reading a few times, I thought the last two lines were not as strong as much of the rest of the poem.

--Austin

[ramadevi]

Wonderful work!

S 2 L6 - i like the seen and scene.
S 3 L4- i like Marion's suggestions.

About the closing, I think MArion has a good point, though i also like what you have. If you opt to cut the ending, you might take the closing line and turn it into your title.


Hugs, rd

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Sorry ladies the blood must remain, it's an important piece of the poem as are the last several lines but I do like the thought of moving the final line to be the title, thank you for that though rd.

Marion, I'm thinking on the seen/scene I may change that to viewed. Jury still out on that one.

Thanks friends for your input so very much appreciated.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Hey, mi amiga, always enjoy your work. Forgive the English teacher coming out, but I think this reads much easier with puncuation and caps. Regardless, it's excellent. Ron

Great inspiration
burns you in the fires
of decades past{.}

those Phantoms
walk within your dreams,
haunt your sun-drenched days{.}
Are they the ones who prod you forth{,}{,}
or is there something deeper
you’ve not seen within the scene
that holds you in that place and time{?}

Perhaps today
you’ll find the missing link{,}
but damn, the magnifying glass
is stained with blood
from yesteryears{.}
It makes you wield
frustrated fists,
for how will truth be told
if hidden messages
cannot be found
in artifacts{?}

Determination cracks the code
with nothing more than focused eyes{.}

Therein lies the ending to your script{.}