Queen of Folly (Rev. 5) Title Change

[Marion Poirier]

Rev. 5
Queen of Folly


Wounded pride
wears the crust of scars,
smothering love's presence.
In her castle by the sea

she curses foolish ways
haunting the purple dusk;
shadows from a distant past
descend like black flags.

The crescent moon slithers
across water -
a golden snake in a tango
with her dead heart.

5-31-09
---------------------------------------------
Revision 1
Lady in Shadows


A fragile heart
hides the crust of scars;
she grows old alone
in a refuge by the sea.

A crown for Queen of Folly
returns to haunt the dusk -
shadows from her prime,
descend in black clouds.

She watches the crescent moon
slither like a snake -
and tango on the dead
waters of her past.


-------------------------
Revision 2


Queen of Folly


Her wounded pride
wears the crust of scars,
smothering love's presence.
Alone in a refuge by the sea

the curse of foolish ways
return to haunt the dusk.
Shadows from the past
descend like black flags.

The crescent moon slithers
across water -
a golden snake tango dancing
with her dead heart.

5-31-09
---------------------------------------------
Revision 1
Lady in Shadows


A fragile heart
hides the crust of scars;
she grows old alone
in a refuge by the sea.

A crown for Queen of Folly
returns to haunt the dusk -
shadows from her prime,
descend in black clouds.

She watches the crescent moon
slither like a snake -
and tango on the dead
waters of her past.

5/30/09

[mfwilkie]

Her wounded heart
wears the crust of scars,*

* M, 'Her wounded heart' would be indicated by 'the crust of scars".

Am wondering if, because you use "Queen", you feel the need
for a castle by the sea. I don't think you do. I'm more interested in th 'Queen of Folly' and her story..

The Queen of Folly's heart
wears a crust of scars, hides ** Love crust of scars.
any memory of tangled affections***

***takes 'smothering love's presence' out of cliché -

I can see your need to have water in this piece for the snake to slither, but you can say it in a more creative way. Here's an example:

for her, the crescent moon
is a snake that tangos on
the dead waters of her past.


You can imagine her with tears in her eyes which would give the crescent moon that same bit of slithering the moon's reflection on any body of water would.

Maggie

[Marion Poirier]

Thanks Maggie,
You've given me a lot to think about.
Good suggestions.

M

[mfwilkie]

A fragile heart
hides the crust of scars;* M, I think a heart becomes fragile.
she grows old alone
in a refuge by the sea.

A crown for Queen of Folly
returns to haunt the dusk** Do you mean the crown haunts
the shadows, Marion?



shadows from her prime,
descend in black clouds.

She watches the crescent moon
slither like a snake -
and tangoon across the dead
waters of her past.

M. I think you're trying too hard to get this to work.
Let it sit for a few days.

Maggie

[Marion Poirier]

Thanks Maggie. I appreciate all your comments
and suggestions.

Marion

[Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner]

I didn't see the original but I thought was good, I paused at the first line as I don't think it is right to say a fragile heart hides a crust of scars i think it needs be worded the other way around ... a crust of scars hiding a fragile heart makes more sense to me... but that could be becasue of what I am seeing in this poem... I am getting the picture of a shipwreck .... the Queen of Folly being the name of a ship? the scars the rotted wood and barnacles? I see this once beautiful ship half-sunk in a cove with just the gunwales above the water line and a tattered rigging that in the light of a crescent moon she takes on a form of her former self... I dunno jsut what I see here... am I anywhere close or just all wet?

[Marion Poirier]

Thanks Mike. Your interpretation is a good one. I went off
base with the first revision. It does seem like a shipwreck,
but you are not far from wrong. It's about a lady who is
pretty much of a shipwreck. I realize after your review that
I had removed her in the revision.
This latest revision is very close to the original -
and I think I'll stick to it as it says pretty much what I
want to say. Thanks again for your feedback.

Marion

[determinedtofail]

Marion,

Marion your first stanza made me think of experiences creating scars. Then I thought people tend to be a little too quick to cover our own scars, since we see our selves naked the most. ha ha

IMO Here is a rough suggestion I had. Don't know if that matches the sentiment of your intentions with this stanza or piece.

Her wounded pride
wears the crust of her scars
smothering love's presence.
Alone in a chateau by the sea I was thinking how is loves presence smothered using image of the house, and clothing. Maybe something like
stands in a chateau
wrapped by ivy

---Austin

[Marion Poirier]

Hi Shawn,

I am always thrilled to get feedback as I have no idea
of the measure of my own work - it's much easier (for me)
to pick someone else's work apart.

This said, I went back to the original first stanza (not posted)using wear the crust of scars rather than hide. It
makes a difference in interpretation but it's all in
the perception.

Re. your suggestion: a good one about the ivy-
but I have enough similes in here (without using like
or as) and I think another one would be over-kill.

I still believe that less is more and I want to be consistent in my inconsistencies. <G>

Thanks again. Appreciate it.
Marion