Images intertwined

[alfredo]

Lifting mists
under morning’s light

Young birds fall from nest
zephyr from their feathers

A spider spins another strand
unique as a snowflake

Birds glide between the trees
Love and loyalty intertwine

Time for a child to discuss their day
Show me again how to bait the hook

Your level gaze
washed in a mountain stream

I touch your hand –
no particular reason

Leaves drift from the trees
Bells toll across the valley

Source of the river
is the river itself

Decelerating lines
on a single sea shell




Original
Lifting mists
under morning’s light

Fall then fly from nest
hear the zephyr from their feathers

A spider spins another strand
unique as a snowflake

Birds glide between the trees
Love and loyalty intertwine

Time for a child to discuss their day
Show me again how to bait the hook
Limpid eyes and wagging tails

Your level gaze
washed in a mountain stream

Touch your hand –
no particular reason

Leaves drift from the trees
Bells toll across the valley

Source of the river
is the river itself

Decelerating lines
on a single sea shell

[Marion Poirier]

Nicely done, Alfredo. I'd delete the couplet in S4
about trees and birds as they are mentioned elsewhere
and the line about love and loyalty is too abstract.
Otherwise, I see little to change except to add the pronoun
I before touch your hand. and line 3 needs some
clarification. Marion

Lifting mists
under morning’s light

Fall Birds then fly from nest
hear the zephyr from their feathers
(maybe name the species of bird)

A spider spins another strand
unique as a snowflake

Birds glide between the trees
Love and loyalty intertwine

Time for a child to discuss their day
Show me again how to bait the hook
Limpid eyes and wagging tails

Your level gaze
washed in a mountain stream

I touch your hand –
no particular reason

Leaves drift from the trees
Bells toll across the valley

Source of the river
is the river itself

Decelerating lines
on a single sea shell

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

I can go with this as it is... however, not much a fan of limpid eyes... what can I say... but otherwise nice movement... the frames flip nicely.

tidings
ron

[alfredo]

I like the changes suggested -M most of which have now occured

[mfwilkie]

Morning sees the mist lift.

There's only one mist, 'fredo. A skazillion particles of moisture but just one blanket mist.

feathers fall from birds
and young birds fall
from their nests

a spider rests.

You have early morning and then you say it's time for a child to discuss it's day. That's not working for me.

I think the piece is trying to hard.

Figure out what it is you're trying to say and then go at it simply for clarity and flow.

Maggie