Why I've Been Away and Away ...version two

[Tina (Firefly)]

VERSION ONE

Something, usually not linear,
captures my curiousity: the shape of sunflowers,
wheat in a farmer's field, a child with one sandal,
cats grooming.

I breathe in little wonders, study
the nature of slices of life, and transform
from ordinary poet into floating seeker. I forget
routine, embrace the cooling shadows
of stars.

I would ask your forgiveness, if you think
you've been forgotten. But, can't you see-
you are yellow petals and the other sandal.

VERSION TWO

I breathe in little wonders, study the form of air -
transform from ordinary poet into floating seeker.
I forget routine, instead embrace
the cool shadow of stars.

I hold tight the shape of sunflowers,
a song of wheat in a field of wind,
four crows darkening an oak limb -
a child with one sandal.

My lengthy absence never meant
that I forgot you. Look very close..
you are yellow petals and the other sandal.

[bulerias]

I absolutely LOVED the last line -- it truly brought a smile to my face!!! THANK YOU !

[ramadevi]

This is truly precious!

I enjoyed every stanza.

Especially the clever and endearing closing line, and
embrace the cooling shadows of stars.

Big smiles,
rama devi

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

My third go round with this one... and I keep coming back! What does that tell you!

Tidings
Ron

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

Great title and some wonderful images, I think you should drop everything that is telling and let the images evoke the answers the poem brings. Also switch stanza one and two as I like you getting into the poem more in the midst of. And finally drop captures my curiosity slices of life as they are cliché. Here is my suggested rewrite.


I breathe in little wonders, study
the nature of slices, transform
from ordinary poet into floating seeker,
forget routine, embrace the cooling shadows
of stars.

Something seizes:
the shape of sunflowers, wheat in a farmer's field,
a child with one sandal, cats grooming.

I would ask your forgiveness, if you think
you've been forgotten. But, can't you see-
you are yellow petals and the other sandal.

Nice poem.

[mfwilkie]

It is a nice poem, Tina, but it can be better than nice if you keep
it focused on the process of what has hapened or is happening
and only bring message in when it feels like the porm is pulling it in. heighten the images with deeper language.

Just some thoughts:

When something, usually not linear, seizes me:
the shape of a flower, a line of light slicing shafts
of wheat, an imp dragging a sandal,

a cat's concentration

Maggie

N.B.

You might say:

I embrace cool-lined shadows.
Embrace stars.

[Tina (Firefly)]

Great suggestions and I took them into consideration. I really don't want to lose my own voice on this one, but am always open to your thoughts. Thanks... Tina

[mfwilkie]

Tina, Which one is more interesting?

I breathe in little wonders
or
I study the form of air -

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

Tina:

I like how you've tightened things up but kept the voice... so important not to shrink that voice... you've kept a balance and connection throughout... both are necessary and play with oneanother which creates the underlying core... again good movement... grand stuff!

tidings
ron

[Marion Poirier]

Tina, I like the addition of the four crows on a branch line.
It adds so much to the already strong imagery. Also, the obvious connection between sunflowers and the last line is more direct
in Version 2. Excellent revision.
Marion

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Your poetic evolution has been a joy to observe, Tina .

[Tina (Firefly)]

thanks again for such encouraging comments. I am still working on a small change in this and will no doubt post the final revision soon.

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

Don't mind being the other sandal at all.