Swan Song (new version) Edit 4

[Marion Poirier]

Swan Song


My dear,
your lament rings familiar
composed on the altar
of self-indulgence.

The lyrics, a cliché,
Life is unfair.

Now, an aging swan,
you resurface in autumn -
without a prayer.

[mfwilkie]

I like how his opens, M.

Beause of it's more formal tone, you might set the form like letters of old,
My Dear on its own line.

Back later.

Maggie

[mfwilkie]

A quick thought, M, get more focused and toss excess words.

Maggie

My dear,

your lament is a familiar refrain
of bold self-indulgence

[Marion Poirier]

Thanks Maggie, I like your suggestions. Hate wasted words,
Maybe I can trim this without losing intent.

Glad to see you back reviewing, M.

P.S. I kinda like the altar of self-indulgence - but I'll see if
I can cut anything else.

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

I just think it needs a tweak in the line patterns... but that would be my way of presenting this... I like the overall!

tidings
ron

[Marion Poirier]

Thanks Ron,
I will change the line break slightly combing L2 AND 3. I originally
had lines 1 and 2 together - but sounds awkward, as is, even
to my ear.

M

p.s. i'm also trying to think of a better final line.

[Tina (Firefly)]

Ilike this so much Marion! For your last verse, what about something like:

Now, an aging swan,
you emerge again
in your Autumn of discontent.

[Marion Poirier]

Thanks so much, Tina. I was thinking of ending the poem
with that verse but was not sure of how to reword it.
I felt that last line was extraneous.
A revision will be forthcoming.

Warm regards,
Marion