Grocery Store (revised Version)

[determinedtofail]

Grocery Store ( 2nd Revision)

I have an empty shopping cart
the one with the peculiar wheel.

The shaky off-balance wheel-
that is afraid to touch the ground
and goes along, chattering in rusted circles.

The cart that I find stolen from me-
as I return from the bathroom.
I pause and collect my thoughts.
I want to thank the shopping cart thieves,
and go on to choose another cart.

This time I get the lazy wheel
the one that is stuck and will not let go
grunting along in streaks
leaving the same scars
over the same tile.

I have a basket with weighted items
tilting forward over its wounds.

It goes along
pushing down crowded isles
determined to crash into shelves,
as my muscles struggle to correct the course.

Yet, certain scents tilt my head
through an aromatic maze;
passing plants and flowers
traversing food, people, and hygiene products.

I move along with the trepidation of shopping carts;
where strangers smile
wave me by
and call me goat-head
(go-a-head).



Grocery Store (Original Version)

I have an empty shopping cart
the one with that wheel.

The shaky off-balance wheel-
that is afraid to touch the ground
that chatters along in rusted circles.

The cart that I find stolen from me-
as I return from the bathroom.
I pause and collect my thoughts.
I want to thank the shopping cart thieves
go on to choose another cart.

I test my luck.
I test my judgment.
I pick another cart.

Yet, they all have broken wheels.
Always one particular broken front wheel.

This time I get the lazy wheel
the one that is stuck and will not let go
grunting along in streaks
leaving the same scars, over the same tile.

Traveling
a basket with weighted items
tilting forward over its wounds.
It goes along
pushing down crowded isles.

A lopsided basket
determined to crash into shelves,
as my muscles struggle to correct the course.

A course
an aromatic maze.
Passing plants and flowers
traversing food, people, and hygiene products.

Along with the trepidation of shopping carts
where strangers smile
wave me by
and call me goat-head
(go-a-head).

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

voice and attitude have a nice sardonic play... I am always tempted to pare lines though ... just a habit that try I not to impose on others as my way bears my fruit... yadayada. Nice pitch!

[Marion Poirier]

I like this. Austin and your particular brand of satire.
Just a couple of suggestions to trim and smooth.
M

I have an empty shopping cart
the one with that wheel.

The shaky off-balance wheel-
that's is afraid to touch the ground
thatand chatters along in rusted circles.

The cart that I find stolen from me-
as I return from the bathroom.
I pause and collect my thoughts.
I want to thank the shopping cart thieves
and go on to choose another cart.

I test my luck.
I test my judgment.
I pick another cart.

Yet, they all have broken wheels.
Always one particular broken front wheel.

This time I get the lazy wheel
the one that's is stuck and will not won't let go, grunting along in streaks, comma
leaving the same scars(,) no comma
over the same tile.

Traveling
a basket with weighted items
tilting forward over its wounds.
It goes along
pushing down crowded isles(.)

A lopsided basket
determined to crash into shelves,
as my muscles struggle to correct the course(.)

A course
an aromatic maze.
Passing plants and flowers
traversing food, people, and hygiene products.

Along with the trepidation of shopping carts
where strangers smile
wave me by
and call me goat-head
(go-a-head).

[purplejacket]

This was really good. I took it as a metaphor for a mate, or a series of mates. I think you could snip that final explanation off. People will get it if they think about it, or if they have heard of that before.

[determinedtofail]

Ron,

Thanks for introducing me to a new word (Sardonic). Took some time for me to savor that word. Nice!

Purplejacket,

(Just curious, how did you pick the name purplejacket?)

Thanks for your comments. During part of the poem I was thinking of hanging out with my Friends and each of us having a different personality, and reacting to situations differently.

Originally I left the last (go-a-head) line out, but inserted it after may people questioned me about goat head. Might have been easier to get the joke if you read the poem, as opposed to just listening to it be read.

Marion,

Thanks for your comments. Found many helpful. I try not to use contractions too often. I think, one of my college professor's limited contraction preference stayed with me.

Still playing with this one, but like the way in which you see balance when you comment on poetry. The grammar is also very helpful.

Thanks,

----Austin

[Marion Poirier]

Austin, I like the changes you made. I suggest a bit
more trimming of lines that really don't add anything.
I agree with your professor about contractions, I don't
care much for them either, but the voice in this was so
informal I thought it was appropos - but you made the
right choice not to use won't. Marion
Here are my humble suggestions:

I have an empty shopping cart
the one with that the broken wheel.

The shaky off-balance wheel-
that is afraid to touch the ground
and chatters along in rusted circles.

The cart that I find stolen from me-
as I return from the bathroom.
I pause and collect my thoughts.
I want to thank the shopping cart thieves(,)
and go on to choose another cart.
(without and you have a fragment.)

Yet, they all have broken wheels.
Always one particular broken wheel.
(IMO you establish this in the following lines.)

This time I get the lazy wheel
the one that is stuck and will not let go
grunting along in streaks
leaving the same scars
over the same tile.

I have a basket with weighted items
tilting forward over its wounds.

It goes along
pushing down crowded isles
determined to crash into shelves,
as my muscles struggle to correct the course.

It becomes an aromatic maze (fragment)
passing plants and flowers
traversing food, people, and hygiene products(.)

(I'd enjamb this stanza as it is a fragment by itself)
along with the trepidation of shopping carts
where strangers smile
wave me by
and call me goat-head
(go-a-head).

[determinedtofail]

Thanks for your comments and suggestions Marion. I took out that those two lines. Lately I have working finding my own balance with trusting the reader.

Thanks for the grammar help. I think that is my biggest struggle with poetry.


Keep Writing,

Shawn

[Marion Poirier]

Shawn,

This last version is much improved. I would caution you;
however, in using the first person pronoun too often,
especially (I), noticeable in this stanza.

The cart that I find is stolen from me-
as I return from the bathroom.
I pause and collect my thoughts;
then, want to thank the shopping cart thieves(,)
and go on to choose another cart.

M

[mfwilkie]

Lots of good things in here.

Am going to mull over my suggestions a bit.

Be back at you later. Maggie

[ramadevi]

It is great to come to the work after much revision and see a polished piece.

This is certainly sardonic (great word, I agree).

Clever and entertaining.

[determinedtofail]

Thanks everyone. ;D