Heirlooms and Keepsakes (ver 3)

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

Heirlooms and Keepsakes (ver 3)
.

What is handed down–

           single-blade pocket knife,
           a paisley box with notes,
           belt-slaps, drawn shades,
           or last-known snapshots.

A warm embrace, or thumb-knuckled rib.

What we give to friends, family, and little-ones
as reminder, memento, or gift to sum what
can not be said, has a life of its own.

What is passed on passes from heart to hand.

Good and bad travel alike; the gesture
of love or slight holds a direct path and
follows a continuous inbred course.

Grandfather to son, son to friend, friend to
daughter-- spiral-splined overlapped links.

Abuse or laughter, joy or fiasco;
heirlooms and keepsakes endure-- no matter.




Heirlooms and Keepsakes (ver 2)
.

What is handed down–

           single-blade pocket knife,
           a paisley box with notes,
           belt-slaps, drawn shades,
           or last-known snapshots.

A warm embrace, or thumb-knuckled rib.

What we give to friends, family, and little-ones
as reminder, memento, or gift to sum what
can not be said, has a life of its own.

What is passed on, passes from heart to hand.

Good and bad travel alike; the gesture
of love or slight holds a direct path and
follows a continuous inbred course.

Grandfather to son, son to friend, friend to
daughter; a spiral-splined singular link.

Abuse or laughter, joy or fiasco;
heirlooms and keepsakes endure-- no matter.




Heirlooms and Keepsakes
.

What is handed down–
           single-blade pocket knife,
           a paisley box with notes,
           marble-filled Atlas jar,
           or last-known snapshot.

A warm embrace, or rib-tickler knuckled thumb.

What we give to friends, family, and little-ones
as reminder, memento, or gift to sum what
can not be said has a life of its own.

Good and bad travel alike; the gesture
of love, or slight owns a path retained,
and follows a course embedded. What is
passed on, passes on from heart to hand.

Grandfather to son, son to friend, friend to
daughter; a circle, a spiral, a link.

Child becomes parent, gives to the child who
grows to give a token of love or disdain.

What we pass from this side to the next is
passed again, it becomes a tribute, a
telltale offering of remembrance.

Abuse or laughter, joy or fiasco;
heirlooms and keepsakes endure-- no matter.

[/size]

[Marion Poirier]

Well-written, Ron. From my perspective it could
be trimmed somewhat in S1 and some of the telling
is repetitious, second from end Stanza could be.eliminated for superfluities-- very good poem as it stands - from an objective
POV.


Marion

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

Marion:

I am not sure how objective your view is, but I do agree. This poem has been a struggle. Trying to find the just-right phrasing and movement caused a log-jam and created some indecisive redundant transitions... I've given it another go. Thanx for the look and prod.

tidings
ron

[mfwilkie]

Ron, what about saying:
the treasures endure rther than repeating what's in the title?
Don't think you need the comma after passed on, or the semi
after daughter.

Also not sure what meaning spiral-splined singular link is doing
in that line but I like its sound. Maybe an m-dash after daughter and something to tie in the link.

Maggie

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

Mags:

I git your drift on the punc suggestions.... I have to rework the spiral line... the title remains... the treasures line suggestion kinda changes the drift of the poem "treasures" doesn't hold the ambiguity I'm going for... if ya see what i mean... will tink on it... tidings, ron

[Marion Poirier]

Ron, you are probably right that I can't be totally objective,
but IMO this version is an improvement. Now for one more
observation: some telling is inevitable; however you could
eliminate the line Good and bad travel alike; too preachy and
you explain it in the words that follow. IMO the
entire stanza is repetitive - though eloquently presented.
It is not without merit and most likely a judgment call.

Regards,
Marion

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

marion:

I think you are saying you prefer this from the heart to hand line to the end:

What is passed on, passes from heart to hand.

Grandfather to son, son to friend, friend to
daughter; a spiral-splined singular link.

Abuse or laughter, joy or fiasco;
heirlooms and keepsakes endure-- no matter.

??

tidings
ron

[Marion Poirier]

Ron, I think this is near perfect just as you wrote it
in your last response - though I meant I'd prefer
it without the three lines you eliminated in this
half of the poem. This is the crust of the poem
and says it all without unnecessary elaboration,
explanation and sentimentality.

I'd say less is more - but that would be a cliche.



Marion

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

Marion:

and now I am totally confused as to what you were saying... did you want me to dump "good and bad travel alike;" but keep the rest of that stanza?

If that's the case, then I would prefer to keep that stanza intact... I don't the see the opening of that stanza preachy, and to cut it out to leave the rest, pretty much destroys the cadence... the combo ties in well for me... I don't believe that line to be passing judgment... for me it's an observation... and too much of less carries the same weight of more of too little... I'll take to balance in the middle... LOL...

I know for you, keeping it pared is the right place for your approach and voice, and that's how you write. And it works for you and it's a good thing too. I like a bit more of a stretch and run.

tidings and thanx again
ron

[Marion Poirier]

Ron,
I guess I'm gonna have to spell it out before I go back
into my box. It was a nice run and I enjoyed the
communication - or lack of it.

From your POV I probably say too little when I'm not saying
too much and that's okay -
to each his own.

This is a great poem in itself - by itself and needs
no introduction as the title does this quite effectively.

What is passed on, passes from heart to hand.

Grandfather to son, son to friend, friend to
daughter; a spiral-splined singular link.

Abuse or laughter, joy or fiasco;
heirlooms and keepsakes endure-- no matter.


Have a great Father's Day!
Marion

[ramadevi]

This seems polished to me. No need to pare down further.

Love this part-

What is passed on passes from heart to hand.

Good and bad travel alike; the gesture
of love or slight holds a direct path and
follows a continuous inbred course.

Grandfather to son, son to friend, friend to
daughter-- spiral-splined overlapped links.

[mfwilkie]

This is such great music!!!

spiral-splined overlapped links.