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Post by mfwilkie on Jun 21, 2009 10:51:50 GMT -5
Spring was drowned this year,
and summer has begun in equal grief.
Too many flowers have been missed
running away from the rain.
On goes a coat. A shield. A protection.
An annoyance. For being unprepared.
For being disappointed by an expectation
that often doesn't see the truth beyond
what it sees. That there is poetry
in a raindrop.
Love is like the weather.
Once you're in the thick of it,
days drop like autumn leaves.
Fragile as memory. A lifetime
strewn at your feet. Remembered
must be the fractals of joy.
Winter need not kneel to illusions of kinder seasons.
We need its restrictions to gather expression.
To prepare for another chance at the comedy
of spring.
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Post by ramadevi on Jun 22, 2009 4:22:43 GMT -5
Maggie, I love this!
Superb metaphors!
Couple of tiny suggestions - (just my taste)
Spring was drowned this year,
Spring drowned this year,
and summer has begun in equal grief.
and summer begins in equal grief.
On goes a coat. A shield. A protection. (I like this)
An annoyance. For being unprepared. (this line a bit choppy)
For being disappointed by an expectation
that often doesn't see the truth beyond
what it sees. That there is poetry
in a raindrop. (love this phrase)
Love is like the weather.
Once you're in the thick of it,
days drop like autumn leaves.
Fragile as memory. A lifetime
strewn at your feet. Remembered
must be the fractals of joy.
Superb STANZA! (Above-My favorite). Read it thrice just for the relish of it...
Winter need not kneel to illusions of kinder seasons.(Great phrase!)
We need its restrictions to gather expression. (Equally great!)
To prepare for another chance at the comedy
of spring. (Also equally great!)
NICE STRONG CLOSING.
This is a solid, meaningful write.
Bravo.
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Post by bulerias on Jun 22, 2009 12:32:13 GMT -5
What first captured me was the title -- it truly drew me in. Then once I began reading your poem, the imagery suddenly intertwined with the words as if they were one....very nice poem!
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Post by mfwilkie on Jun 22, 2009 14:19:13 GMT -5
rama,
Thanks for the great suggestions. I'm so glan you enjoyed the poem.
And thank you, bulerias.
Btw, do you have a first name we might use?
Maggie
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Post by Marion Poirier on Jun 23, 2009 12:43:07 GMT -5
Maggie, you have some good suggestions on this
already; I have one for you to consider.
Too many flowers have been missed
running away from the rain sounds a bit awkward.
How about a slight trim here:
Too many flowers have run away
from the rain.
Very good poem!
Marion
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Post by mfwilkie on Jun 26, 2009 12:31:10 GMT -5
Too many flowers have been missed
running away from the rain
is N informing the reader how we so often overlook beauty
when we're irked by things like rain.
Your suggestions labels the flowers as running.
Glad you liked it otherwise, M.
Maggie
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Post by determinedtofail on Jun 28, 2009 18:30:39 GMT -5
Maggie,
I think the first two lines are very solid. Hooked me as a reader.
Been reading this a few times today.
"days drop like Autumn leaves" is an absolutely beautiful combination! Short, laid back, yet has much depth.
What would you think about trimming the following stanza down a bit. I believe if the reader has a poetic sense then they can be trusted to see the meaning in this stanza without the sentence below. Also, IMO as a reader and person I prefer for word combinations to guide and not instruct me.
On goes a coat. A shield. A protection.
An annoyance. For being unprepared.
For being disappointed by an expectation
that often doesn't see the truth beyond
what it sees. That There is poetry
in a raindrop.
The rest of the poem is really good and I am still discovering it. Great job! Thanks for posting this.
--Austin
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