The Science of Walking (3rd Revision)

[determinedtofail]

The Science of Walking 3rd Revision

Let's walk together
so my feet may remember
the considerations of old men.

A drummer once told,
"Everything falls into place
as long as you have rhythm."
Yet, I lean the wrong way
bumping into your hips.

How to decipher movement?
I know it has something to do with
a certain breeze
that brings the leaves to my ears,
soil and soft wrinkled palms.
Green tea and foggy windows-
the language in which a cat's tail speaks.

An artist once said,
"I don't need to understand the words,
to understand the sentiment."

Walk with me.
Please walk with me...
My heart needs to remember.

----Austin 2009

The Science of Walking Revised Version

Let's walk while hugging.
So my feet may remember
the considerations of old men.

I bump into your hips.
and lean the wrong way.

We are building something here,
and it has something to do with
a certain breeze
that brings the leaves to my ears,
soil and the texture of grandmothers' hands
green tea and foggy windows
the rhythm in which a cat's tail speaks.

Walk with me.
Please walk with me...
My heart needs to remember.


The Science of Walking Original Version

Let's hug
Let's and walk together
so my feet can remember
the considerations of old men.

I bump into your hips.
I lean the wrong way.

Yet, we are are building something here,
and it has something to do with
the rhythm of cat tails, the wind
and the rate of cherry blossoms.

A certain breeze that brings the leaves to my ears
soil and the texture of grandmothers' hands
green tea, and foggy windows
and the rhythm of a conversation.

Walk with me.
Please walk with me...
My heart needs to remember.

[mfwilkie]

First read: I really like this, it has a few nits but great images and strong tone and voice.

I'll be traveling for a couple of days but will be back to this.

Nice draft.

Maggie

[Marion Poirier]

Hi Shawn Austin,

I will offer you my first impressions for what it's worth.

I don't particularly like the title as walking as you describe
in the poem should be natural like breathing.
I suggest momentarily:
Walking for a title or Walking in the Park

This is more succinct than your other posted poems so
I have less to offer in the way of trim.
Marion

Here are my thoughts:


Let's hug(.)
Let's and walk together, comma
so my feet can remember
the considerations of old men. (Nice beginning stanza)

I bump into your hips.
I lean the wrong way.
(It's just a walk in the park - not a tango.)

Yet We are are building something here,
and it has something to do with
the rhythm of cat tails, the wind
and the rate of cherry blossoms.
(cat tails detracts from the
magical quality of this poem, my friend.)

A certain breeze that brings the leaves to my ears - dash
soil and the texture of grandmothers' hands, comma
green tea, and foggy windows
and the rhythm of a conversation.

Walk with me.
Please walk with me...
My heart needs to remember. (period)

[mfwilkie]

Shawn,

I think you need to keep this a simple as possible
to maintain the V that this starts out with.

Maggie



Let's hug.

Let's walk together
lest my feet forget
the considerations of old men.

I bump into your hips.
and lean the wrong way.

We are are building something here,
and it has something to do with
the rhythm of cat tails,
and the grace of cherry blossoms.

[determinedtofail]

Marion,

Thanks for you thoughts on this. I was going for a Rogerian/ Person centered approach to interacting with someone.

To me the best conversations don't need words, and I wanted some aspects of this poem here to try and articulate that.

I kept cat tails for sentimental reasons. I once raised a cat and from the onset promised him, "You are going to be the coolest cat that has ever lived, and I shall help you to become so."

Soooo much of my focus was on this cat's needs (even when he didn't know what he wanted)/comfort/homeostasis/and establishment of absolute trust, that many people who came by my much partied at house sang his praises. (So I had a good dispersed age group and cross cultural sample base to test my hypothesis) Even those that didn't like cats, would often comment, "Normally I don't like cats, but this is the nicest cat I have ever seen!" (Little did they know, as I pretended not to notice, heh heh heh...) I think much like the appearance of effortlessness dancing, poetry, relationships, and true catmanship; it takes empathy, awareness, imagination, timing, and constant effort.

Thanks Maggie,

Maggie with V did you mean voice, or did you mean the visual compilation of the ruins, words, lines, and poem as a whole???

I think the adjustment offered in the first two lines works well. Good eyes there Maggie. I may trim this down some more, but am still in the relationship with some of these words right now and can not quite let go.

The grace of cherry blossoms is a very good line. Some months ago I kept driving past this very rare large cherry blossom tree, that had pink flowers on one side and white on the other. I wondered how many people noticed that it was in fact one tree and not two trees growing together. It is so easy to miss things like that. I took out the cherry blossoms here, but hope to one day find a home for that sentiment/image.


Cheers,

---Austin

[determinedtofail]

Threw a little more definition into this.

[Marion Poirier]

Austin (or Shawn) I think you are playing with my
head with your name.

This revision is much improved. I get the nuances
in the title - after thinking it over. I am flexible for
an old broad. (Been in the box too long) lol!

I think there is something wrong with your
computer or with you as the italics are not
coming out right in the quotations. I won't
hold that against you.

Let's see if I can clean up the grammar and
punctuation a little - an occupational hazard.

Let's walk while hugging holding hands
so my feet may remember
the considerations of old men.
just a suggestion - maybe holding hands or
arms entwined rather than hugging - makes
me think of teens.i

A drummer once told,
gEverything falls into place
as long as you have rhythm [b]period[/b]
Yet, (caps) Ifm leag the wrong way
and bumping into your hips.

Lose the gerunds above.
Yet, I lean the wrong way
and bump into your hips.

How to I decipher movement? I know it has
as something to do with( no semi- c
a certain breeze,
that bringing the leaves to my ears, comma
soil and soft wrinkled palms. comma
green tea and foggy windows - dash
the language in which a cat's tail speaks.

An artist once said,
gI donft need to understand the words,
to understand the sentiment.h

Walk with me.
Please walk with me...
My heart needs to remember.

Shawn,

Very good poem - needs some minor work IMHO.

Regards,
Marioni

[mfwilkie]

Let's walk together
so my feet may remember
the considerations of old men.

A drummer once told,
gEverything falls into place
as long as you have rhythmh
yet, I lean the wrong way
bumping into your hips.

How to decipher movement?
I know it has something to do with
a certain breeze,
that brings the leaves to my ears,
soil and soft wrinkled palms.
Green tea and foggy windows-
the language in which a cat's tail speaks.

An artist once said,
gI donft need to understand the words,
to understand the sentiment.h

Walk with me.
Please walk with me...
My heart needs to remember.


Is it Shawn or Austin?

I'd prefer a name, if you don't mind.

Nice revision.

The V is Voice or tone of Voice; sometimes I will mention N for narrator.

They are the same. Tone, energy, clarity word choices, syntax: these are what I look at.

It all depends on how what's said is being said.


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Message: Let's walk together
so my feet may remember
the considerations of old men.

A drummer once told,
gEverything falls into place
as long as you have rhythmh
yet, I lean the wrong way
bumping into your hips.

How to decipher movement?
I know it has something to do with
a certain breeze,
that brings the leaves to my ears,
soil and soft wrinkled palms.
Green tea and foggy windows-
the language in which a cat's tail speaks.

An artist once said,
gI donft need to understand the words,
to understand the sentiment.h

Walk with me.
Please walk with me...
My heart needs to remember.


Is it Shawn or Austin?

I'd prefer a name, if you don't mind.

Nice revision.

The V is Voice or tone of Voice; sometimes I will mention N for narrator.

They are the same. Tone, energy, clarity word choices, syntax: these are what I look at.

It all depends on how what's said is being said.




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The Science of Walking 3rd Revision

Let's walk together
so my feet may remember
the considerations of old men.

A drummer once told me,
Everything falls into place
as long as you have rhythm.
And yet, I lean the wrong way
and bump your hips.

How do I decipher movement?*
I know it has something to do with
a certain breeze that brings the rustle
of leaves to my ears,
soil and soft wrinkled palms,*

* not sure about soil as an image here.
think the palms need some action to define their image.

green tea and foggy windows-
the language a cat's tail speaks.

I miss: We are building something here.

I'd add it back it and take the cliche out of the ending.

Here's a thought:


Walk with me, please,
while the whole of me
becomes full again, and
remembers.

Watch those darlings!

Maggie

[determinedtofail]

Maggie,

Looks like something happened to both of our posts on this site.

Shawn and Austin are both my names, so you can't go wrong either way. I would prefer to go by Austin, just to make it easier. I'll work on leaving my name after the poems I post.

Thanks for your suggestions. Have to take some time to see how those suggestions sit in my stomach.

--Shawn

[ramadevi]

I love the third revision. I find nothing in it to change or fix except perhaps removing the comma after breeze in line three of S3 - it works fine without it and there are so many commas already.

The shift from 'rhythm' to 'language' in the cattail line polishes that phrase to perfection.

I love that line!

[determinedtofail]

Thanks everyone.

Ramadevi, thanks for the comma info, it was helpful. I do tend to over comma my writing.

----Austin

[mfwilkie]

Austin, I think you've muddied up a good second draft. If nothing else, due something with 'once told' and can the artist.

Maggie

[determinedtofail]

Maggie,

Thanks for the suggestions. Very interesting. Gonna take some time to think about them.

Take Care,

Shawn

[Marion Poirier]

Austin, I find only some minor changes to polish -
You have a lot of great suggestions and it's
looking good!!!
Though one observation occurred to me,
right off the bat - guess I have my reviewer's
uniform out of the closet.

Let's walk together - dash
superfluous - self explanatory
so my feet want to mayto remember
(stronger verb)
the considerations of old men.

A drummer once told,said.
Everything falls into place
as long as you have rhythm. (I'd use italics rather than quotes)
Yet, I lean the wrong way
bumping into your hips.

How to decipher movement?
I know it has something to do with
a certain breeze -
that brings the russle of leaves, to my ears,
soil and soft wrinkled palms.

Green tea and foggy windows-
the language in which a cat's tail speaks.
that simmers:b]
An artist once said. (delete this line
I don't need to understand the words(,) no comma
to understand the sentiment.

Walk with me.
Please, walk with me

My heart needs to remember.

Just some ideas to mull around with.
Work with the images and best word
choices - go for the most powerful
poignant, musical etc.

of keep it your way. It looks fine as is.
You are still working on your voice, and
I don't want to influence you with mine.

Regards,
Marion