Phoenix Down

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Phoenix Down

The Strip is so alive.
Neon and color mix and surge
as if a Phoenix on the fiery verge
of finishing a dive.

Revelers mill about
or rubberneck from blurs of cars
that shoot between the gleaming sidewalk stars.
A star is burning out.

Outside the Viper Room,
a crowd awash in strobes of light
is frozen, for the moment, by the white
deceptive face of doom.

Some will succumb to cabs,
bum rides, drive off, or hit the street.
One ends his night, his life, beneath a sheet,
a corpse with perfect abs.

[mfwilkie]

I remember this, D.

What about:

that shoot between the emptying of bars-
the laughs , the cries, the shouts
Damn those are plurals!!!


They laugh. They cry. They shout. for A star is burning out.
held frozen

in the white

or work their feet
for
or hit the street


An m-dash after sheet, I'm thinking.

Later.

[mfwilkie]

An afterthought: lose the title and go with place and date.
It's being done.

[mfwilkie]

I know it's a trochee but what about:

Costumed, the strip's alive!

and

Neon! or :

its/the colors mix and surge

Later, much later.

Good night.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thanks, Mags, but this is about the death of River Phoenix outside the Viper Room on Halloween, 1993, and your suggestions would get rid of specific references.

[mfwilkie]

I remember that, too.

My suggests were the spots where it reads weak to me, D.

Other than hit the street, the last stanza is perfect, but the others don't have quite the same strength or clear focus
for me.

How about: work the street?

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Work the street? What, you want me to infer prostitution?

I want sidewalk stars because I'm talking about the Sunset Strip on Hollywood, where the stars in the pavement are.

I'll look at the others.

[mfwilkie]

Sidewalk stars. Of course!

Duh!