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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Jul 14, 2009 22:36:37 GMT -5
An inexplicable softness pervades the morning.
I travel this highway daily, but today the leaves
of a thousand maples seem gossamer-fine
as they dance a gavotte with the gentle breeze.
Notwithstanding gravity,
I slowly rise until I reach a cumulus cloud,
and float like a child with water wings.
The steamy asphalt and scent of earth are long
gone as I glide into a vaguely-recalled
space, remaining blissfully suspended,
fulfilling the long-ago promise of freedom...
Freedom that I will experience again tonight
and every night, when I lay my head on a
soft down pillow, eyes comfortably closed,
to awaken from the day's dream.
Original
An inexplicable softness pervades the morning.
I travel this highway daily, but today the leaves
of a thousand maples seem gossamer-fine
as they dance a gavotte with the gentle breeze.
Motion is effortless, and notwithstanding gravity,
I slowly rise until I reach a cumulus cloud,
and float like a child with new water wings.
The steamy asphalt and scent of earth are long
gone as I glide into an unfamiliar yet vaguely
known space where I remain blissfully suspended,
fulfilling the long-ago promise of freedom...
Freedom that I will experience again tonight
and every night, when I lay my head on a
soft down pillow, eyes comfortably closed,
to awaken from the day's dream.
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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Jul 15, 2009 17:01:29 GMT -5
Jon, I like the poem especially the images of the Medieval dancing but I don't get a good sense of the emotion or tumult of Bastille Day from the images. I feel like you lose your intensity after the 2nd stanza.
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Post by mfwilkie on Jul 16, 2009 0:58:03 GMT -5
A beautiful opening, Jon.
An inexplicable softness pervades the morning.
I travel this highway daily, but today the leaves
of a thousand maples seem gossamer-fine
as they dance a gavotte with the gentle breeze.
Some suggestions:
Motion is effortless, and notwithstanding gravity,
something in me rises until I reach a cumulus cloud,
and begin to float like a child given a gift of wings.
The steamy asphalt and the scent of earth disappear
as I glide into a familar place where I remain in
suspended bliss fulfilling the long-ago promise
of freedom...
A freedom I will experience again tonight,
and every night, when I lay my head on a
soft down pillow, eyes comfortably closed,
to awaken from today's dream.
You might re-think the title, Jon.
Nice draft.
Maggie
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Post by ramadevi on Jul 16, 2009 4:18:07 GMT -5
Namaste my friend,
This is lovely!
I especially enjoyed the first two stanzas.
I agree with Leo that it does not have the flavor of Bastille day.
And for the same reason, I agree with Maggie that you might consider altering the title!
Otherwise, superb work.
HUGS,
rd
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Jul 16, 2009 18:46:15 GMT -5
Thank you all for your suggestions. I wrote this on Bastille Day and was looking not so much at the violent overthrow, but rather the liberation.
I like some of your suggestions, Mag.
Will go back to the drawing board.............thanks
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Post by determinedtofail on Jul 22, 2009 0:23:23 GMT -5
Hello,
Thank you for posting this, very enjoyable. Really like these two lines, "Softness pervades the morning" and "Float like a child with new water wings." Ahhhh.
What do you think about changing:
Motion is effortless, and notwithstanding gravity
to
Effortless motion, and notwithstanding gravity
---Austin
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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Jul 24, 2009 14:45:28 GMT -5
Jon, Not sure you can separate the ends from the means.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Aug 7, 2009 10:29:40 GMT -5
Comments?
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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Aug 7, 2009 12:48:26 GMT -5
Jon, I like the title change a lot. I have a radical suggestion. Take your first line and make it your last. It's very powerful and perhaps steps on the rest of the poem so early...try this...
I travel this highway daily, but today the leaves
of a thousand maples seem gossamer-fine
as they dance a gavotte with the gentle breeze.
Notwithstanding gravity,
I slowly rise until I reach a cumulus cloud,
and float like a child with water wings.
The steamy asphalt and scent of earth are long
gone as I glide into a vaguely-recalled
space, remaining blissfully suspended,
fulfilling the long-ago promise of freedom...
Freedom tonight and every night,
when I lay my head on a soft down pillow,
eyes comfortably closed,
to awaken to the inexplicable softness
that pervades the morning.
(I reworked the first line as you don’t need to tell people what you are experiencing just say and it’s more concise and more powerful IMO)
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Aug 7, 2009 15:33:56 GMT -5
Thanks for the time and suggestion....I like it, but don't know if it's what i want to convey.................I'll think on it.........Thanks, Leo.
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antman
EP Gold 750 Posts Plus
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Posts: 958
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Post by antman on Aug 29, 2009 17:09:34 GMT -5
Love the re-write as I read and listen to Diana Krall in the Bkg.
Your title works and presents your poem in a professional manner.
peace and love,
anthony
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Post by mfwilkie on Sept 12, 2009 11:01:55 GMT -5
Jon,
A few thoughts. Maggie
Notwithstanding gravity, my rise is slow
and effortless. I reach a cumulus cloud
and float like a child, sure of a gift of wings.
The steamy asphalt and scent of earth are long
gone; my mind glides to a remembered place,and
the long ago promise of freedom is fulfilled...
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