Starved (edits 2)

[Laura Stone]

Starved (revision 2)

I drank the dirty water
and it made me sick;
held the rot in my hands
for nothing but an empty belly.

I’ve been scattered to corners
where I can not exist,
and you; you will wear shame
as a reminder of this.



Starved

I drank the dirty water
and it made me sick;
held the rotten
in my hands for nothing
but an empty belly.
I’ve been scattered
to the corners
where I could
not exist,
and you;
you will
wear shame
as a reminder
of this.

[johnnysaturn]

A really spare and visceral piece; probably the poem of yours I've liked best. Would you consider dropping "rotten" in line 3; I think it's almost otiose and to my ear the poem works even better after it has been stripped out.

[alfredo]

Just great.

A sharp and penetrating way to describe a sickening reflection of a improper relationship


Makes me hungry for more L (removing "rotten" not too important)

[Laura Stone]

Thanks you two.... Johnny, it was suggested that I might make the word just 'rot', but I also like the word stench as it is not as expected as the other... made a few other modifications as well.... Alfredo, you got this one...

Laura

[mfwilkie]

laura,

I think the construction of the piece, the straight-down-the-page-
forget-the-power-of-words-next-to-each-other-approach,
diminish its strength for me.

Remember that an opening line needs to catch the reader's attention, and after the title, it is the most important line in the poem.

Maggie

Some thoughts:


I drank the dirty water and it made me sick;
held the rotten in my hands for nothing
but an empty belly.

I’ve been scattered to the corners where
I could can not exist, and you;
you will wear shame as a reminder of this.

[Laura Stone]

I've given a lot of thought to Maggie, Lynn, and Johnny suggestions. I have put up a revised version here, and though I changed the word 'rotten' to 'stench', just before I posted I changed it out again to 'rot'. I like the line of the way this flows now. I would be interested in opinion on this now... thanks for such great suggestions.

Laura

[johnnysaturn]

This works for me though contra Maggie I would have retained "the" before corners.