Summer intuition

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

For a second we were caught whirling and twirling,
our arms the blades of a ceiling fan,
the grass below thick and green.

Grandma sits on a lawn chair,
hums in a low drone "the itsy bitsy spider,"
looks at her wrist watch
and the white leather band
that serves as tap on the shoulder.

She smiles, barely speaks
below her breath, “down came the rain”.
The sprinklers hit us,
for a second we are startled
like when you hear the boom of thunder,
see the first flash of lightning⎯
then we laugh and laugh.

Grandma sips her ice tea,
pretty sure she knows about everything.

[Marion Poirier]

IMO this poem would benefit by stanza breaks.
Here's my take for your consideration:

For a second we were caught whirling and twirling,
our arms the blades of a ceiling fan,
the grass below thick and green.
Grandma sits on a lawn chair, (maybe break here-enjamb)

hums in a low drone "the itsy bitsy spider,"
looks at her wrist watch
and the white leather band
that serves as tap on the shoulder.

She smiles, barely speaks
below her breath, “down came the rain," (comma first)

The sprinklers hit us,
for a second we are startled
like when you hear the boom of thunder,
see the first flash of lightning - dash
then we laugh and laugh.

Grandma sips her ice tea,
pretty sure she knows about everything.

Great ending lines. Grandma's usually
do know about most everything, God bless them!!!!

I hope this helps. If it were mine - I'd go over
it and analyze where best to make the
breaks. A poem looks better with breaks,
and it's easier to read. I think that format
is an important facet in poetry.
It all contributes to the whole.


Marion

[Marion Poirier]

Leo,

p.s. you might want to try italics rather than
quote marks - looks better - I think, but
of course, it's your call.

Marion

[mfwilkie]

For a second we were caught
in the act of whirling and twirling,
our arms moving like the blades
of a ceiling fan; the grass below
our feet was thick and green.

Grandma sits on a lawn chair,
hums a low drone of "the itsy
bitsy spider."

She raises her wrist
to look at her watch
with its white leather band

Here the next line is a nit for me, Leo.
I structured this more narratively to see if the image would become clearer, but it doesn't.

that serves as tap on the shoulder.

Maggie

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Such a clear capture of a moment in time, Leo. Very enjoyable read, preceded by a nice title.

[Sherry Thrasher]

The only thing missin' is the lightnin' bugs. If mine, I'd leave out the in a low drone as it is implied. Very nice. A pleasure to read your work. Back to the Brits for me.

[ramadevi]

Delightful and refreshing.

The title caught my attention.
the spontaneous synchronistic-sprinkler kept it.

And grandma's knowing look as she sips tea clinches it.

A marvelous poem

[purplejacket]

Always a pleasure to read your stuff, Leo.

I agree with Maggie about the tap on the shoulder line - it's the only place I don't know what is being said. Going over it with the fine-tooth, I'm not so sure about caught in the first line, nor the tense shift between the first and the remaining stanzas. Caught sounds like maybe a photo was taken, or like you weren't supposed to twirl, or most of all, like there was a stopping of the twirling that your reader isn't ready for yet.

The ceiling fan image takes me indoors - do you have something you can come up with that spins outdoors? No helicopters allowed.

I enjoy the situation of this poem - the narrative of it. And I like the look on Grandma's quiet face.