On the Avenue (edit)

[antman]

Two poems I get today, one is
wrapped in newsprint on a park bench
passed out, bottle in hand where evening
shadows’ try to rest

My mind numb, eyes conditioned
to all the helter skelter and mess
that this inter-city core splays,
a mass of spittle and woe.

On the corner a black man plays the blues,
his twang guitar resonates hope is
but a bar away…
I feel his need, Mama says no.

I dole out all my change and my pockets free!
Scream out into the night…
and thank "God" they're not me!

[antman]

Reality I am...

[Marion Poirier]

Anthony, strong poem and visuals;
I think the poem begins awkwardly,
Two poem I get today. It's the word
get that throws me off.

Also,
IMO you could leave off the last line
of revise the previous line. You have
it's and then refer to they.

I believe the reader can get the irony
in the exclamation. (Thank God,
it's not me! ) or they're not me -
without the last line. Makes the ending
much more interesting to allow the reader
to think for his/herself.

Good to read you again.


Warm regards,
Marion

[antman]

You know I value your opinion Marion
and vote for the simple and leave out the
last line. Thanks for your read and observation.

anthony

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Two poems I get(find?) today(.) Oone is
wrapped in newsprint on a park bench
passed out, bottle in hand where evening
shadows' try to rest [no apostrophe needed]

My mind numb, eyes conditioned
to all the helter(-) skelter and mess
that this inter-city core splays, (inner-city?)
a mass of spittle and woe.

On the corner a black man plays the blues,
his twang(y) guitar resonates, " hope is
but a bar away…"
I feel his need(.) Mama says no.

I dole out all my change and my pockets free! (pocket's)?
(I)Scream out into the night…
and thank "God" they're not me! ( Why the quotes around God?)

Just my take on this, Ant........could be way off.

[mfwilkie]

Ant,

An edit to tighten this; for you to mull over your approach to clarity before you revise.

Maggie


I'm stalked by images driving this poem.
One comes wrapped in newsprint, bottle
in hand, where evening and someone's
child try to rest.

The other, a man on the corner;
the twang of his guitar resonated/ing
hope is enough coin to feed a bar
not far enough away. I've felt, and feel
his need.

Momma says, No!

But I empty my pockets' wealth
and look for God to say thanks
for the will to change.

[ramadevi]

Very potent poem....highly descriptive.

Strongest stanza-

My mind numb, eyes conditioned
to all the helter skelter and mess
that this inter-city core splays,
a mass of spittle and woe.


I really like ALL of Jon's suggested edits.

I also like Maggie's first line alternative

I'm stalked by images driving this poem.
One comes wrapped in newsprint, bottle

Would love to see this revised...it has vast potential.

Warmly,
rd