Illegal (ver 5)

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

I cleaned until the windows sparkled,
now everyone can see
how blue the ocean is at Crystal Cove.
I made sure the “jardinero” cut
the St. Augustine between the steps.
I remember when little Justin
tripped on that grass and scrapped his knee.
He cried an hour until the bleeding
stopped and then another hour when
we couldn’t find you after your tennis lesson.

So as I cut the potatoes and tossed
them in the tomato broth to make
your favorite “caldo de queso”⎯
full of mozzarella and Nana’s love,
I still can’t believe you wrote that check;
SOS (Save our State) to stop those illegals
from infecting western civilization (or so it said.)
$2,500 that’s more than I make in two months.

I nick my finger with a six inch JA Henkels
that’s so sharp it could cut granite. I bleed
all over the Mondrian cutting board,
think I could use that knife to slice your throat.

But I could never do such a thing;
“Dios perdoname” for those an evil thought.
After all, if I ever had to leave who would tidy up
around here or tuck little Justin in at night?

[mfwilkie]

I like this, Leo.

Some thoughts:


I washed your windows. well.
Now everyone can see clearly
how blue the ocean is at the waters of Crystal Cove
as they were meant to be seen:
a cleaner shade of blue.

I made sure the “jardinero” cut the grass
between the steps, revisiting Justin, little:
how he tripped and scrapped his knee.

He cried an hour until the bleeding
stopped and then another hour when
we couldn’t find you after your tennis lesson.

So as I am cutting the potatoes and tossing
them in the tomato broth to make the
“caldo de queso” full of mozzarella
and Nana’s love (I still can’t believe
you wrote that check SOS , to Save our State,
to stop those illegals from infecting us. )

I nick my finger with a six inch JA Henkels
so sharp it could cut granite. I think I could
use it to slice your throat and keep digging.
(I offer a “Dios perdoname” for having such
an evil thought. )

Afterall, who would tuck Justin in at night
if I wereforced to go away?


Round file what doesn't work for ya.

Maggie

[determinedtofail]

Good poem Leo.

I thought it was soo funny to note that this poem was posted yesterday and already with it's title it have been viewed150 times.

haha.
We are all hooligans at hearts!

--Austin

[Marion Poirier]

Leo, my conclusion is that this poem
is satirical in nature and the narrator
is either an illegal working as a cleaner,
housekeeper, nanny and cook for meagar
wages or one filling the role voluntarily -
not clear. Otherwise, I don't see the significance
to the title or the reference to illegals.
IMO you need to establish the relationships
of the characters in this poem in a more
visible, if subtle, way.

In the first verse, you are using unnecessary
adverbs to describe the window cleaning
uness you think more is better.

Marion

[Marion Poirier]

Leo, have you tried writing this poem
from the third person POV? It may
be more effective - or not - just a
suggestion for insight into
the mind of the protagonist from an
objective view.

Also the language
does not work in the first person;
for instance, the opening line is
more appropriate in the third person.
Not clear about the reference to Nana-
seems like she's doing the cooking; however,
not clear - could be her recipe.
Violent thoughts for a grandmother,
no matter how provoked. This reader
needs more clarity.


Marion