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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Sept 19, 2009 16:54:30 GMT -5
As the crumble of quartz rises to summits,
and the silver sword of certainty
is melted in the alchemist stew,
the whirlwind swallows our Babel.
And we, soldiers home from war⎯
hear the cacophony of our every brutality
alive and dead in rocks and tissue.
In the faded fog of sun,
we cast and chisel the lore
of strained memory⎯
still, tremble like a rat
caught in the cobra’s glare.
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Post by Marion Poirier on Sept 21, 2009 10:43:16 GMT -5
I like this Leo, eloquently executed poem.
IMO. you could trim the first stanza;
lines 4 and 5 are not crucial,
but it is strictly subjective on my part.
Marion
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Sept 21, 2009 12:45:43 GMT -5
I think this is one of the finest examples of fresh, innovative poetic language that I've seen in quite awhile. The exquisiteness of 'faded fog of sun' is stunning.
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Post by Marion Poirier on Sept 22, 2009 10:06:33 GMT -5
Leo, you may want to reconsider the format. IMO it is overpowering this fine poem. Lines 4 and 5 belong together. I see no need for We and Still to be separated from the rest of the lines. You may want to indent lines without being centered. I presume you are posting to receive feedback (for what it's worth?)  M |
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Sept 22, 2009 12:02:30 GMT -5
I have to agree with Marion about the separatioon of We and Still...it looks..and reads...strangely.
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Post by Marion Poirier on Sept 22, 2009 17:19:32 GMT -5
Leo, Check the last line for a possessive noun. " punctuation in S2 and S3 - end lines. Last stanza should start with lower case unless preceded by a period. I leave the nitpicks for last.  Marion |
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Post by ramadevi on Oct 8, 2009 6:08:53 GMT -5
This is certainly eloquent and potent poetic language, Leo.
Very effective, tight and polished.
Favorite phrase is definitely-
In the faded fog of sun,
we cast and chisel the lore
of strained memory⎯
But i loved this one too-
and the silver sword of certainty
is melted in the alchemist stew,
Kudos.
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Post by purplejacket on Oct 13, 2009 19:34:36 GMT -5
This is a great line, and here's why I think so. Ordered the way it is, it makes me aware that war is alive in rocks and dead in tissue. Wow.
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Post by mfwilkie on Oct 17, 2009 13:06:48 GMT -5
Some thoughts:
As the crumble of quartz rises to summits,
and the silver sword of certainty
is melts ed in the an alchemist stew,
the whirlwind(s) swallows our Babel.
And we, soldiers home from war,
hear the cacophony of our every brutality
alive and dead in rocks and tissue.
In the faded fog of sun,
we cast and chisel the lore
of strained memory—
still tremble like a rat
caught in the cobra’s glare.
Maggie
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