Talking Into a Box

[LynnDoiron]

It’s a little bit like talking into a box, this.
Alone, save your computer keys and screen

(well, there are all the books, all the people inside
the books, the sock cat, the glove rabbit with the its blue head
and green body, the pig with his beige button snout)

you find yourself typing words and words, shouting
them into the white box labeled “cyber” labeled “blog”
labeled “your domain name.” It’s not like

standing on a canyon ridge where the voices return
when you throw them out there. It’s not a box canyon,
there’s no arroyo. It’s not your an echo you want.
You are not Narcissus near the pool of self love.
You are not in search of you. You know where
to find you. You is where you always is:

talking into the box, waiting
for signs of life.


[readers: not sure if this poetry or just journaling; be honest, be brutal, thanks]

[johnnysaturn]

It’s a little bit like talking into a box, this.
Alone, save your computer keys and screen

(well, there are all the books, all the people inside
the books, the sock cat, the glove rabbit with the blue head
and green body, the pig with his beige button snout)

you find yourself typing words and words, shouting
them into the white box labeled “cyber” labeled “blog”
labeled “your domain name.” It’s not like

standing on a canyon ridge where the voices return
when you throw them out there. It’s not a box canyon,
there’s no arroyo. But it’s not your echo you want.
You are not Narcissus near the pool of self love.
You are not in search of you. You know where
to find you. You is where you always is:

talking into the box, waiting
for signs of life.

I did like it a lot. For fun, I rejigged it as I would have been tempted to write it, without any pretensions to this constituting an improvement. Though I did think the Narcissus reference really added very little and maybe tdue to my own density found the Echo/Narcissus allusion a bit laboured.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Solid as a always, I don't have a problem with JS's suggestions; they're viable options, but if I went any way other than what you've got, I'd say:

standing on a canyon's rimwhere the voices return
when you throw them out there. It’s not a box canyon,

Regardless, I enjoyed the trip into the cyber canyons with you, mi amiga. Ron

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I like the effectiveness of the use of the multiple "yous" demonstrating the echo you want to get across.
I have no problem with the Narcissus allusion.....it strengthens the succeeding lines.

Interesting idea, Lynn.

[LynnDoiron]

Johnny -- I appreciate your notes. And I'm still considering some. To remove the cyber tech mentions would remove the target of internet as obsessive focus of pov voice in this, I think. But I never discard what folks are kind enough to share honestly with me.

Ron -- Thank you. I know I'm stacking a lot of negatives in that stanza and maybe that one re: box canyon could go, but then I'd have to let go of arroyo and I just love the jumping jacks my mouth gets puts through to say that word. Still, I will consider your suggestion; I know it comes thoughtfully.

thank you jonnie. not writing poetry these days and wonder at myself when i do. pleased this one worked for you. yes, there is a virtual avalanche of you repetitions in there, as well as a landslide of negative statements. again, happy you liked it.

[mfwilkie]

Chicky,

Read this several times since we talked about it.

My Voice with edits, but I think you'll get the why.

Mugs

It’s a little bit like talking into a box, this—
alone, save your computer keys and screen

(well, there are all the books, all the people inside
the books, the sock cat, the glove rabbit with the its blue head and green body, the pig with his beige button snout)

you find yourself typing words and words, shouting
them into the white box labeled “cyber” labeled “blog”
labeled “your domain name.” It’s not like

standing on a canyon ridge where the voices return
when you throw them out there. It’s not a box canyon,
there’s no arroyo. It’s not your an echo you want—
You are you're not Narcissus near the pool of self love(,)
nd you're not in search of yourself. You know where
to find you— You is where you always is:

you're here, talking into the to a box, waiting
for signs of life.

[LynnDoiron]

mugs -- thanks -- still considering. appreciate the time given to your response. chicky

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I do like the switch of "your" echo to {an} echo as Maggie suggests. Still good stuff anyway you push it. Ron

[sandpiper]

Only two spots for me, I think maybe to think on the "waiting" Is there another word that might work better there, tie in more with the echoes?
and I like the narcissus, but, maybe to tighten that a bit more,
You're not Narcissus near the pool of self love,
in search of you. You know where...
I like the change to "an" echo also, for the previous line.
well done.
-piper

[zambatriste]

I rather like the "you is where you always is". It adds an element of irreverence to your relationship to the box.

-Lara

[LynnDoiron]

Thank you Lara; it is irreverent, isn't it? or maybe I should write "aren't it" ...

Mugs, I changed modifier "the" to itis in relation to that blue-headed rabbit

and Piper, I changed modifier for "echo" from your to an as both you and mugs had a sticking point there.

Thanks each and all for thoughts on this one. Much appreciated.