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Post by Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner on Sept 27, 2009 9:21:27 GMT -5
she played but a few notes
her bow gliding
across taut strings
the melancholy chords a haunting of a childhood music box
only sadder
a wisp of memory resonating passionate soul-song
a single draw coaxing emotions flooding from visceral well-springs
born of a thousand thousand lonely tears
only a few of them mine
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Post by Marion Poirier on Sept 27, 2009 16:25:15 GMT -5
Jarlsbane, I like the poem very much and see very little I'd change; however I don't think you need the extra thousand tears for emphasis, but of course my opinion is strictly subjective. Nice work.
Marion
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Sept 27, 2009 18:20:21 GMT -5
Certainly plucked my heart strings, Michael. One thing bumped me...when you refer to her only playing a few notes, and then mention chords immediately afterwards........... What about substituting "sound" for chords? Maybe even "vibrato"
Thanks for commenting on my poem............and peace and good health are wished for you...............Jon
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Post by mfwilkie on Sept 28, 2009 12:55:09 GMT -5
I like your opening and your close, Michael.
The middle got a little heavy for me.
Some thoughts:
Maggie
she played but a few notes
her bow gliding
across taut strings
a melancholy sound a haunting of a childhood music box
only a sadder wisp of memory
a single draw of coaxed emotions
of lonely tears
only a few of them mine
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Post by ramadevi on Oct 8, 2009 6:13:51 GMT -5
I love the tone and tenor of this, and it does tug heartstrings, as Jon mentions. i also agree that 'a few notes' and chords and 'a single draw' are conflicting sound-images.
I think trimming off the first two lines might improve this poem. Start with-
her bow glides
across taut strings
Just thought. I love the ending-
a single draw coaxing emotions flooding from visceral well-springs
born of a thousand thousand lonely tears
only a few of them mine
POIGNANT
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