A Fraction

[mfwilkie]

When my father died
my youngest sister climbed
child-like onto the bed
and held him as if her grief
possessed the strength to revive
what was too dear to be lost
to us forever.

My mother was...composed,

shouldered with restrictions
I would see her lose control of
only once, one of those intractable
moments when death-overs
blot out the sun.

My middle sister sat stunned,
unaware of the aura held tight
in her hand.

This is what I saw,
arriving too long after
he left.

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

Mags:

I like this mucho. I would wonder if clipping here and there would better suit your purpose:

for example:

When Father died
my youngest sister climbed
child-like onto the bed
and held him as if grief
possessed the strength to revive
what was too dear to be lost
forever.

i like the slant died/climbed opening,

and what about:

My mother was...composed;

shouldered with restrictions,
I would see her lose control
only once,

one intractable moment when
death-overs blot out the sun.

little things to my ear that may not jibe with yours but may spark some thoughts at your end.

good stuff, no doubt about it.

tidings
ron

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I also like this, Maggie, especially the ending, and agree with Ron's tightening.

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

Maggie,

This is a brave subject and very nice title. The poem to me has three issues. One) it leads the reader by opening with…when my father died. This destroys the nice mystery that’s going on in the poem. Two) I think the tone is uneven by starting with the first stanza. I think starting with Mom is more powerful and interesting. Then you have a stanza with a nice image to lead. Three) what was too dear to be lost to us forever. That is way too telly…let the reader decide based on the emotion you are creating in the poem how dear your Dad is…we all have Dad’s we get it. I really like the image of her giving Pops the strength to revive. Sharon Olds has a similar story about her Mother on her deathbed. Then the poem is simply three images of the women. So to me the poem should read like this to add mystery:

My mother was
composed,
shouldered with restrictions

I would see her lose control
only once, one of those intractable
moments when death-overs
blot the sun.

my youngest sister climbed
child-like onto the bed
and held him as if her grief
possessed the strength to revive.

My middle sister sat stunned,
unaware of the aura held tight
in her hand.

This is what I saw,
arriving too long after
he left.

Nice poem.

[Marion Poirier]

Maggie, I like Leo's arrangement and reasons
for beginning the poem with your mother's composure.
I don't think you need to reiterate or explain
since this is usually the norm for a mother to keep
it together with her children watching.
Also, the act of climbing on the bed
is a child-like action in itself so it's clear
without elaboration. Advise losing some of
the (my) pronouns. I'd mention Dad in the
second stanza and begin here:


I would see Mom lose control
only once, one of those intractable
moments when death-overs
blot the sun.

My youngest sister climbed
on the bed and held Dad
as if her grief possessed
the strength to revive.


A poem that evokes the emotions -
many can relate on different levels.
I am sorry for your loss.

M

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

Mags:

both leo and marion make good points... but I have to say I don't agree. There is a gentle place established from the outset. the sense of grief from the inevitable, the sense of disbelief, and the sense of longing and helplessness all come from the opening moment and the trail that follows. You have a balance of both worlds with all divulged simply. That is what's masterful here. I think reversing it takes that presence away.

But most of all there is something unpolished almost a wavering that makes this poem live closer to home, and that is something most rare.

tidings
ron

[ramadevi]

Hi MAGGIE.

I like this too (and sorry for your loss)

I agree with Ron- as he aptly said-

"both leo and marion make good points... but I have to say I don't agree. There is a gentle place established from the outset. the sense of grief from the inevitable, the sense of disbelief, and the sense of longing and helplessness all come from the opening moment and the trail that follows. You have a balance of both worlds with all divulged simply. That is what's masterful here. I think reversing it takes that presence away."

The rawness of this makes it genuine.
Fine work.

Warmly,
rd

[purplejacket]

I think Leo said what I would have said if I were better at reviewing poems.

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

I think you're all awesome. Maggie, leave it. The tone was set by your heart. Don't change it.
Rick

[mfwilkie]

Thanks much, you guys. Mags