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Post by ramadevi on Oct 8, 2009 8:56:49 GMT -5
Revision Three
dirty brown puddles
glist'ning in city slum streets
hold sky's reflection
a great soul recognizes
divinity in all eyes
Revision two
dirty brown puddles
lying in city slum streets
hold sky's reflection
a great soul recognizes
divinity in all eyes
Revision one
dirty brown puddles
in city slum streets still
hold sky's reflection
a great soul recognizes
divinity in all eyes
Original
even brown puddles
in grimy city slum streets
hold sky's reflection
a great soul recognizes
divinity in all eyes
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Oct 9, 2009 11:28:16 GMT -5
Beautiful comparison.
Forgive me rama, but to me it would flow better as such:
brown puddles
in grimy city streets
hold sky's reflection
great souls recognize
divinity in all eyes
Keeps it a bit more simple........your call.
What about "Perception" if you want to change titles, although I like yours.
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Post by ramadevi on Oct 9, 2009 11:56:06 GMT -5
Thanks for your suggestions dear friend. this is a tanka, so had a strict syllable count.
I like your title idea very much. I'd changed this to Sky Mirrors...but will consider your idea as well.
NAMASTE and Love,
rd
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Post by mfwilkie on Oct 9, 2009 12:53:24 GMT -5
Nice Tanka, ramea.
My thought is can you use something other than 'even' to begin this?
Anchor those brown puddles a little more.
Mags
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Post by ramadevi on Oct 10, 2009 4:36:21 GMT -5
Great advice, mags---will do.
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Post by determinedtofail on Oct 10, 2009 7:22:36 GMT -5
Ramadevi,
I like the pruning of the word even. Would also advise pruning the words still and possibly even slum. Less is more. The English Haiku sylables are not as important as they are in Japanse, given the concise way Japanese Lang. counts syllables.
The last two stanzas don't match the mood that made the first three do. Actually the first three are quite amazing to me. Very good job!
The first three are what I like to call cross-mood-al. (like cross-cultural, but they are still strong and truthful despite the range of moods or experiences that a reader can approach this poem with)
I would make this a haiku since the last two lines are too leading, for the reader. Nice religious optimism, but even some great souls (not including myself in the category of great souls at all), would not agree that all eyes have divinity in them.
That being said nice to hear of your use of a tanka structure. Sometime I forget that there are 2 other Japanese poetry structures other than Haiku, so it is nice to see an example of one.
--Austin
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