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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Oct 11, 2009 15:36:54 GMT -5
1
I watched her walk into the sea up to her neck. Then, bobbing there, she smiled and, looking back at me, ran slender fingers through her hair, and I became the man I’d never been, the man I’d battled tooth and nail. I guess the way that men are men is less the focused alpha male and more the boy who can accept that he’s not better off alone, and that the solitude he kept will only sink him like a stone.
2
I watched her dive and disappear into the whitewash of a breaker. Turning and straightening like a spear, she let a wave surround and take her— a javelin of skin and cloth— until she ended on the beach, only to dive back in the froth, a mermaid gliding out of reach. I left my chair at once and ran, splashing into Atlantic water, Poseidon in the form of man. I swam—against the tide—and caught her.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Oct 11, 2009 17:30:12 GMT -5
I liked this immensely David. I'd have to say it's in my top 5 of yours. Flowed beautifully with a strong positive message. Two suggestions..............only me...........
I'd like to see "her neck" instead of "the neck." Granted you used "her" in the previous line, but it seems just a bit forced without the pronoun.
An alternative possibility in the penultimate line in the second stanza (and I love mythological references) might be:
"Poseidon in the form of man....." Both ways are pretty assonant, but you avoid the hard k in "like". Not sure how you feel about it............ In any event, a masterful work......thank you for utilizing your talent so well.
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Oct 12, 2009 10:03:07 GMT -5
John, these are fantastic suggestions, and I certainly do like Poseidon rather than Neptune. Thank you so much for your time and for your kind words, especially since my only time here has been posting my own work to preserve it.
D
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Post by mfwilkie on Oct 12, 2009 11:41:00 GMT -5
I watched her dive and disappear into the whitewash turmoil of a breaker.
Turning and straightening she turned and straightened like a spear, and let a wave surround and take her— a javelin of skin and cloth— until she ended on the beach, only to dive back in the froth, a mermaid gliding out of reach. I left my chair at once and ran, splashing into Atlantic water, Poseidon in the form of man. I swam—against the tide—and caught her.
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Post by mfwilkie on Oct 13, 2009 7:38:42 GMT -5
Got back to this stanza last night. Some thoughts and still thinking on this * line below. I watched her dive and disappear into beneath the whitewash turmoil of a breaker. Turning and straighteningshe turned surfaced, straightened like a spear, and then let a that wave surround and take her— a javelin of skin and cloth— until she ended on the beach,enticement heading toward the beach, only to dive back in the froth, a mermaid gliding out of reach. I left my chair at once and ran, splashing into Atlantic water, * Poseidon in the form of lives again in man! I swam—against the tide—and caught her. I JUST HAD A FUNNY THOUGHT: a mermaid gliding out of reach. I lept and tipped my chair. I ran... HEADLINE!! into Atlantic ??water, Poseidon in the form of lives again in man! He swam—against the tide—but lost her. Is that like poem abuse? Later
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