The rescue mission (ver 6)

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

I lie down⎯
my arms the fossils of angels,
my heart the charcoal of days.

I lie bare⎯
my clothes the vestiges of whiskey and wine,
the deep strum of Blues, cheap lies at the feet of spiral skirts.

I lie reminded⎯
how quickly the eye of the universe blinks,
and that but a shadow of dust
in the twist and thrust of God’s cosmic breathe.

I lie forsaken⎯
gulled by the glowing fist of pride,
thrown from heaven
before my pale light may seek a kingdom⎯

I lie alone⎯
my swollen joints and curled fingers,
desperately grasp the deep and stubborn wounds of love.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Very sweet, Leo.
Think you mean "bare" in S3
Nice imagery............peace, bro

[Tina (Firefly)]

As usual, you have some power here ..and strong metaphor. But it feels 'choppy' to me, just doesn't flow as well as your other poems. And sorry, but I do not like 'and if I you need'! That just sounds so archaic and so not you! I think there is a typo in V2L2, don't you mean 'remind me of how quickly' ? Also, I think you must mean 'clothes' instead of 'cloth'? Now, I really love the ending, and just think everything prior to that needs a little more flow.

[Tina (Firefly)]

and what did Jon mean when he said this is 'sweet'? Maybe I missed something, and if so, just totally disregard my comments, lol

[mfwilkie]

There 's some good stuff here, Leo, very good stuff,
but I think it's all in the wrong places and bound up with trying to be poetic.

This is probably so far off your intent but I took what I heard and tried to tighten it.

Maggie



I'm left with swollen joints and curled fingers
and the stubborn desperation that springs
from holding tight to bloodied wounds of love.

My arms have fossilized, and my heart has reverted
to its carbon elements. Remind me, please,
if you ever need me, how the I of your universe works.

I've sworn off the vestiges of whiskey and wine,
the cheap lies I've left at the feet of spiral skirts
and become a mere particle of dust in this latest
twist and thrust of God's cosmic breath. The deep

Blues you hear in the background are a temporary balm
for my pride. I'm too catholic to avoid self-rescue.

[ramadevi]

I like your original "poetic' style---sorry Mags---the tightening works well but loses something

I liked the melodic repetition with slight change of words and meaning---very well achieved, in my opinion.

My favorite-
I lie reminded⎯
how quickly the eye of the universe blinks,
and that but a shadow of dust
in the twist and thrust of God’s cosmic breathe.

(shouldn't 'breathe' be 'breath'?)


The closing is poignant and intense. Very effective.

Warmly,
rd

[Tina (Firefly)]

Yes!! This is it, mi amigo! It is soooo inspirational to me to see how you work on til it's right on.

[Marion Poirier]

A fine poem, Leo, very moving; however,
I've been deliberating on the first two lines.
IMO they are telling, not showing. This reader
does not know what you mean by
my arms the fossils of angels,
my heart the charcoal of days.
It is vague, although you have concrete
images in the rest of the poem. I'd
leave out these lines or show us images,
otherwise the only purpose they serve
is one of poetics without substance.
The rest of the poem shows the essence
of this person.
Excellent work!
Marion