Unseen, (final)

[Marion Poirier]

Unseen,

we endured for hours
in foul space;
the waiting room
held the breath of whiskey,
sweat and weed.

An angel in black
beckoned
from shadows.
We followed
a twisted path
through mud and stone
to a wooden shelter nestled
among ancient oaks.

A priest in purple robe
opened the door; he held
blood-red rosary beads.
My companion fell
to his knees:
Forgive me Father,
for I have sinned ....

He passed
beyond
prayers and holy water,
face turned to God.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I like your use of color, Marion....black, white, silver....especially the black angel of death....the poem itself is ethereal, seeming like the one who passed has been removed from the treatment facility, and you and he were transformed from the reality of the situation to a dream-like walk through the path to the valley, where he asks forgiveness before transitioning to what lies ahead.

Simplicity makes for an easy read....(I know your propensity to conserve verbiage.)

I like the title for it implies the unkown surrounding death.

Not much I'd change, if anything....

[Marion Poirier]

Thank you, Jon for your input -
appreciate it. I made a few changes
to S3 to leave more to the reader's
imagination. I'm glad to see you are
still here - sad the way participation
has dwindled.

Hope you are well.

Marion

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Haven't tried to critique anything in awhile, Marion so forgive the lack of suggestions. I feel the solemn tone of the work. "Huddled' and 'afflicted' give me some pause, but it's probably my lack of reading lately. I agree with Jon about the strong appeal of your colors. They settle the voice in nicely. Ron

[Marion Poirier]

Thanks Ron, for the review. Again, it is
great to see your work again.
You may be right about those two words, Ron.
I'm thinking ....
Thanks, my friend.

Marion

[ramadevi]

I see those two words have gone---so sounds like Ron had good advice.

Ron-if you read this, the art of critiquing is like riding a bike....once you learn how...

the imagery in this is surreal yet hushed and subtle in tone.
Have to read again and let it settle.

Good work, Marion!

[antman]

This is kinda dark, yet lingers in the gray.
Methinks S1/ L3 needs to define;
"the waiting room" what waiting room?
who's waiting room?
Suggest "our waiting room"
Yes, this poem to pull out of the gray and
into the black or darkness needs to fill the
gaps of its being.

S2/L1 "An angel in black"
Black what? Wings? Scales?
Fur? Maybe, its a black angel, or dark angel?
Do you see my point?
An angel in black, is very vague.

S3/L1 for me has more effect by the
arrangement of its language i.e.
Robed in purple a priest opened
the door; in his right hand a rosary bleeds.

Your last stanza says it all
in a true minimalist way.

Marion, you know that I love and respect your
work but also know that dark is not your true color
without struggle. Do not let the darkness over come
thee! I know you can write dark...this is not you.
It pales to some of your other works, please do not be
offended by my honesty!

peace and love,
anthony

"I'm not a Monet, that bananna
really is my nose." A bannna smells
like a bannana?"

antman

[birdfeeder]

I really like this perspective. I disagree with antman. I think this angel is vague because it it is not the speakers turn to die. Although living we can come near it, for now God, and Death, must remain "Unseen"

Wonderful poem Marion

birdfeeder

[Marion Poirier]

Thank you, Anthony, for your comments,
always appreciated and have no fear of
offending me. The only insulting review
is no review.

This said, I think you missed the point;
this is not a dark poem at all; it is about
death, but I don't believe that death is
a bad thing - and I won't quote the obvious.

This poem is surreal and of course not to
be taken literally. The waiting room could
be called Purgatory or just a place where
souls wait before crossing over.

I do not use a lot of explanations or
modifiers in my work and the absence
of such may be a distraction for you.
It is written in simple language, as is
my style.

Again, thank you so much for your comments,
my friend.

Marion

[Marion Poirier]

birdfeeder,
Welcome to EP!!

Thank you so much for your warm comments.
I am glad that you enjoyed the poem.
Hope to see your work here.

Happy Holidays,
marion