Horsefeathers (Revision)

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Revision

I met my dear friend Andy in Tarrytown for lunch this afternoon
at a restaurant/bar called "Horsefeathers."
Talked about our profession, music, religion and spirituality.
A thread of unity enfolded us....speech was effortless and easy.

We realized ourselves as sparks of the Divine,
amidst the lacquered oak tables and chairs.
Just two friends sharing a few hours with
each other.........a space of perfect freedom
where Love sat quietly, and watched.

Original


I met my dear friend Andy in Tarrytown for lunch this afternoon.
We ate at a restaurant/bar called "Horsefeathers."
Talked about our profession, music, religion and spirituality.
A thread of unity enfolded us....speech was effortless and easy.

Realizing ourselves as sparks of the Divine, we contacted
our own divinity amidst the lacquered oak tables and chairs.
Just two friends sharing a few hours with
each other.........a space of perfect freedom
where Love sat quietly, and watched.

[Marion Poirier]

Jon, I enjoyed this piece, simple and honest.
It appears to be more prose than poetry;
however I do find it to be poetic.
I have to think about it more; first off
IMO, you could omit the first two lines in S2,
as I feel they are telling/explaining too much.
The following lines are basically saying the
same thing; leave it up to the reader
to feel what is going on here.
Excellent for a first draft, my friend.
Marion

[Tina (Firefly)]

Jon, I enjoyed picturing this scene and particularly like how you 'brought it home' with so few lines. However, after reading Marion's comment and giving it some thought...I think she's right about dropping those first two lines. They 'over-tell' this scene/story. I might start like this:

'We talked about our profession, music,spirituality, and religion.."
Give it another go and see what happens. Think it's going to be a keeper. Love, T

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I like the images, Jon, been awhile since I've read anything by you, Bro. My voice wants to intrude and shorten lines, change the rhythm to fit my tongue, but I think this may fit you as it is. Ron

[mfwilkie]

John, Back in a day or so on this.

Think you can trim and reword the 2S a bit.

Maggie

[ramadevi]

Namaste my friend. this reminds me of our lunch together with my mom upstate in September. We had a moment like that as well!

A thread of unity enfolded us....speech was effortless and easy.

Yep!

Like Ron, I also felt like trimming upon first read. But on second read I thought---it is just what you meant to say and is well said!

The closing line is lovely:

a space of perfect freedom
where Love sat quietly, and watched.

YEP!

Love,
rd

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

a

[mfwilkie]

Jon,

What if you started this:

This afternoon, I lunched with a friend.
A thread of unity enfolded us, and speech
came effortless and easy.

Amid the Horsefeathers lacquered oak tables
and chairs, we realized

and go from there.

Maggie


I met my dear friend Andy in Tarrytown for lunch this afternoon
at a restaurant/bar called "Horsefeathers."
Talked about our profession, music, religion and spirituality.
A thread of unity enfolded us....speech was effortless and easy.

We realized ourselves as sparks of the Divine,
amidst the lacquered oak tables and chairs.
Just two friends sharing a few hours with
each other.........a space of perfect freedom
where Love sat quietly, and watched.