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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Nov 17, 2009 0:09:34 GMT -5
This quick night of broken glass,
of fire and sun, Thor of Thunder and boom,
reminds; It’ too late to save these Jews
to slash the first lips of Hitler’s pierced smile,
to rip the original smug from his gape
with one swift bloody little Velcro tug.
If we could take it back⎯
we would never proclaim the end of evil,
God dead in the trajectory of binary code,
and the insignia of tarnished gold.
We would never examine ourselves
on the summit of the world; blue eyed,
sculpted of snow and ancient chromosomes.
No, rather we would stop this before it start,
seismic refraction of the Apocalypse.
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Post by Marion Poirier on Nov 17, 2009 21:46:09 GMT -5
An eloquent work, as usual, Leo. I
would expect nothing less; however,
I think this is too much like a commentary
or editorial piece.
This offers no further insight into that period
than what has been written;
This stanza is far too obvious like talking to
a class of children - or that may be the purpose.
For instance:
If we could take it back .....
What follows is what we as adults know - perhaps
we need to be reminded - but
- we can't - take anything back.
Perhaps it just needs some rewording,
or I'm over analyzing - I tend to do that
being very pragmatic.
Enjoy reading your work again.
M
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Nov 17, 2009 22:35:35 GMT -5
The first verse is dramatic in the best sense of the word.. opening line catches your attention and pulls you into the piece. The second verse, IMHO, needs work, except for the amazingly descriptive phrase.."blue-eyed, sculpted of snow and ancient chromosones" which I think is excellent! It's a strong subject and I think some re-working of the second verse will make it even stronger, along with a more hit-you-hard two line ending.
T.
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Post by mfwilkie on Nov 24, 2009 15:14:02 GMT -5
A really strong draft, Leo. Don't rush a revision. Hear it first.
Maggie
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Post by ramadevi on Dec 5, 2009 5:40:56 GMT -5
I want to spend more time with this one, Leo.
Deep, well written and powerful.
Just want to note two typos:
reminds; It’ too late to save these Jews
reminds; it's too late to save these Jews
No, rather we would stop this before it start, (starts?)
This part is awesome:
to slash the first lips of Hitler’s pierced smile,
to rip the original smug from his gape
with one swift bloody little Velcro tug.
and this--
on the summit of the world; blue eyed,
sculpted of snow and ancient chromosomes.
Closing line is impacting:
seismic refraction of the Apocalypse. WHEW!
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Post by birdfeeder on Dec 17, 2009 19:39:51 GMT -5
i really like the rhythm in the third line. Is the comma after "boom" necessary?
of fire and sun, Thor of thunder and boom,
reminds; it's too late to save these Jews
of fire and sun, Thor of Thunder and boom
reminds; it's too late to save these Jews
i also really like:
on the summit of the world; blue eyed,
sculpted of snow and ancient chromosomes.
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