Hellfire Blue

[Tina (Firefly)]

Mama hiked up her plaid skirt, tossed off her loafers
and slid into the white plastic driver's seat
of her brand new 1964 Ford Fairlane Sports coupe,
'hellfire blue', callin' her to drive fast and go far.

Mama was a petite blonde stunner, crazy but
a Georgia belle and peachy-sweet with the exception
of drivin' that shiny blue bat out of hell. Oh Lordy,
she would fly down Peachtree street, those white-wall tires
spinnin' so fast that folks at 4-way stops knew to stay put.

She picked me up from school at 2:45 every afternoon, and
there was always a crowd gathered, just waitin' for a glimpse,
and it was truly a glimpse, 'cause we were gone in a flat second.
Gone to speed through back-country roads and taste the fast life.

We only wrecked once - a foggy night, slick roads and Mama
haulin' it to her sister's place way out in the sticks. She broke
her arm, I lost a tooth, and a week later we were at it again.
Even the car survived - a new fender, a dab of paint, and we're off!

I'm not wild like Mama. Truth is, I'm afraid to fly, both
in cars and airplanes. Speed is not my style, and I drive
a boring black SUV in the safe lane. But I caught myself lookin'
yesterday at the vintage car classifieds under 'Ford's' . Shoot!

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

I re-ordered the paragraphs...reworded the transition on paragraph 3...let me know what you think...IMO it's moe dramatic and surprising.

She picked me up from school at 2:45 every afternoon, and
there was always a crowd gathered, just waitin' for a glimpse,
and it was truly a glimpse, 'cause we were gone in a flat second.
Gone to speed through back-country roads and taste the fast life.

Mama was a petite blonde stunner, crazy but
a Georgia belle and peachy-sweet with the exception
of drivin' that shiny blue bat out of hell. Oh Lordy,
she would fly down Peachtree street, those white-wall tires
spinnin' so fast that folks at 4-way stops knew to stay put.

Mama liked to hike up her plaid skirt, tossed off her loafers
and slid into the white plastic driver's seat
of her brand new 1964 Ford Fairlane Sports coupe,
'hellfire blue', callin' her to drive fast and go far.

We only wrecked once - a foggy night, slick roads and Mama
haulin' it to her sister's place way out in the sticks. She broke
her arm, I lost a tooth, and a week later we were at it again.
Even the car survived - a new fender, a dab of paint, and we're off!

I'm not wild like Mama. Truth is, I'm afraid to fly, both
in cars and airplanes. Speed is not my style, and I drive
a boring black SUV in the safe lane. But I caught myself lookin'
yesterday at the vintage car classifieds under 'Ford's' . Shoot!

[mfwilkie]

Tina, Leo's re-ordering of stanzas is a good catch.

Good imagery.

I'm wondering though, if you might trim this with the idea of creating speed in mind?

Maggie

[Marion Poirier]

Enjoyed the poem, Tina. IMO, it could use
some trimming. I don't think S1 or last S
is needed. You have Hellfire Blue in the title.
so no need to repeat nor to be so specific
about the year, make and model of the car.
I don't think you need the peachy sweet
for mama either - too many modifiers
IMO, weakens the piece.
Marion

[Tina (Firefly)]

Thanks to all of you for stopping by to read this. I realize that many of you have never lived in the South, so may not understand that southern voice poems have to be written in a, um..Southern voice...which means lots of hyperbole, a pronounced over=usage of verbage, and lots and lots of details. To 'cut' it, or make it about 'speed' would totally defeat the whole story and idea of it. Southerner's are all about exaggerated stories, local color, and as much detail as possible. But..this piece does indeed need some work and I will keep at it..again, I thank you for your comments. Tina

[ramadevi]

The diction and verbiage conjures the south for sure, dear Belle!

I also think Leo's suggestions are spot on. Much better dramatic flow, though your poem is also good as is.