The augury in the twilight

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

the augury in the twilight

from
my window

the shadows of palms and eucalyptus,
the smolder of dust,

a reminder of a lover’s ghost,
of the scent of sweat and jasmine oil.

i hold my breath.

i am smothered like death,
wonder about this night

of contour, of flame, of light.

[Marion Poirier]

Good mood piece, Leo. A few minor suggestions
to make it even more succinct
with less articles and prepostions

Marion
Happy Thanksgiving!
-----------------------------
from
a window

shadows, palms and eucalyptus,
the smolder of dust,

reminder of a lover’s ghost,
the scent, sweat and jasmine oil.

i hold my breath

smothered like death
and wonder about this night

of contour,
flame
and light.

[mfwilkie]

Some thoughts on this, Leo.


from
my window

the shadows of palms, and of eucalyptus,
the smolder the movements of dust,

of the scent of sweat and jasmine oil,
a reminder(s) of a lover. ’s ghost,

i hold my breath,

i am smothered by loss like death,
wonder about this night

by of contour, of by flame, of by light.

[ramadevi]

Lovely and well voiced.

I like the idea of trimming filler words---just a few:

from
my window

the shadows of palms and eucalyptus,
the smolder of dust,

a reminder of a lover’s ghost,
of the scent of sweat and jasmine oil.

i hold my breath.

i am smothered like death,
(I) wonder about this night

of contour, of flame, of light.

I think the rhyme in the end grounds the piece nicely.
The brevity lends beauty to this fine poem.

Warmly,
rd

[alfredo]

your poem centres on "shadows, palms and eucalyptus, the smolder of dust, reminder of a lover’s ghost, the scent, sweat and jasmine oil. and wow - I can relate to this