Beached

[antman]

i wrote my name
within the sand
only to watch it
slither away
the perfect track
of my being

soothe sound of surf sifts
sand and sea try to console

life’s precious essence ebbs
as the scent of kelp remains

kite and gull encamp
with boisterous glee

some moor
before the
breakers
transcending
our simple
existence

my pod acquiescently
blows

in a power of unity
they rush the shallows
and create
a wake for my fin.

[mfwilkie]

Anthony,

I'm not sure where you're going with this.
It seems to be saying several things all at once.

Maggie

[antman]

Yeah, I think this needs an edit.

anthony

[antman]

Gladly, you made me reflect about how being a minimalist
can steal away the picture poetry presents.
Hopefully Maggie, this makes it more clear of the render.

peace and love,
anthony

[Marion Poirier]

Anthony, IMO, the core of the poem
is in the first and third stanza.

S2 seems like a tongue twister
and over-done alliteration. It could
be toned-down and used for the imagery
but not necessary (fillers only).

The narrator speaks
about writing
his name in the sand and it being washed
away by the sea. The focus is on the N in S1.

Then the sea tries to console (shifting focus)
Name represents life's essence - no need to state this,
as the reader can figure it out.
The scent of kelp remains. In essence, 'We leave a trace
of ourselves behind after we pass.'

The rest are metaphors about selective sea objects
that either reinforces the theme or repeats it
in different words. It is too short a piece to sustain
multiple metaphors.


Best,
Marion