Beached (edit)

[antman]

I wrote my name
upon the sand,
then watched it
slither away-
the perfect track
of my being.

Soothe sound of surf sifts,
sand and sea tried to console.

Life’s precious essence ebbed
yet the scent of kelp remained.

Kite and gull encamped
with boisterous glee.

Some moored
before the
breakers,
transcending
our simple
existence.

My pod ascended
like an tacit prayer,

in a power of unity
they rushed the shallows
and created;
a wake for my fin.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Powerful work underlining our transience.
Outstanding title.....like how it relates to the whales (had to think about "pod" for awhile until I understood the connotation.)
The alliteration in S2 and S3 accentuated the ebb and flow of the ocean, which in turn echoes the depth of the poem.

"Wake" in the last line to me is a double entendre..........did you mean it as such, Ant?

I see one writing one's name upon or in the sand, rather than within it.

Kudos on a read that inspires introspection in a delicate and graceful manner.

[mfwilkie]

Some thoughts, Ant.

Your 'i wrote' opens this in past tense. I corrected a few places.

you need to decide if it's present or past.

Consider punc., Ant.

Maggie



i wrote my name
in the sand
then watched it
wash away—
a perfect track
of my being

soothe sounds of surf sifted
though sand and sea
tried to console

life’s precious essence ebbed
yet the scent of kelp remained

kite and gull encamped
with boisterousness

[antman]

Thanks Maggie and Jon,
Maggie, I understand and appreciate your
overview of my work. I feel that though this
starts with the opening line in past tense
the read is brought back into the present two
lines later, and the sum of the poem remains
with the present.
Jon, yes the double entendre was intended for
wake and fin. Thanks for your acute attention to
the language and its intent. It's such a mystery, why
whales beach themselves?

[mfwilkie]

Think about it, Ant.

Maggie

[Marion Poirier]

Anthony,

IMMHO, you are saying more than is
necessary at the sacrifice of clarity.
Also, I think that punctuation usually
helps clarity, but it seems very popular
at present. Far be it from me to
tell another poet how to write,

I'd suggest a moderate amount (or more)
of trimming. You have some very good
suggestions so far, but different
strokes for different folk.

Happy Holidays to You and Yours,
Love,
Marion

[birdfeeder]

I agree with Marion that a little punctuation could help make this a little easier to understand. I'm still pretty new at this, but it took me several reads to really grasp your message.

With that said, i love the image of S3/S4- the waiting scavengers really broaden the poem's perspective. It is a great set up for "transcending/our simple/existence/".

The only thing i don't understand here is:

some moor
before the
breakers

what does 'moor' mean in this context? could it be replaced by:
moored
before the
breakers

happy holidays
birdfeeder