alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on Dec 22, 2009 0:41:51 GMT -5
so high his shadow
scarcely passes by
he arrives from behind
wings set and silent
the other sensing his presence,
darts; not enough
to avoid his slicing clutch
wings downwards thrust
rising once more
to the place he was born
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 2, 2010 4:07:23 GMT -5
'fredo, I just made a suggestion to Austin that I'm going to make to you as well: Consider using your title as your lead into the opening stanza for the strength we already get from our reaction to the word 'Hawk'.
Something to consider: switching your stanzas.
The hawk...
arrives from behind
wings set and silent
so high his shadow
scarcely passes by * Nice imagery in these words.
The 'mist' line? It kind of confuses me—
the N being able to identify the hawk so clearly through the 'mist'.
The thought in the last stanza implies the hawk was born in the sky. You might consider re-wording it.
Maggie
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antman
EP Gold 750 Posts Plus
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Posts: 958
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Post by antman on Jan 8, 2010 12:04:09 GMT -5
Alfredo,
I like Maggies suggestions and read the same
as she in the last stanza, but with my abstract mind,
didn't mind.
anthony
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alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on Jan 8, 2010 14:13:36 GMT -5
hey sorry i have not been around to respond (its the long long New Zealand summer hols) just seen your helpful comments stand by
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Post by ramadevi on Jan 14, 2010 6:46:59 GMT -5
Hey, this is a good poetic portrait--tight word economy. I like that.
M has an excellent suggestion, and i agree-
The hawk...
arrives from behind
wings set and silent
so high his shadow
scarcely passes by
I stumble here-
wings downwards thrust
rising once more
Suggestion-
wing's downward thrusts
rise once more
Warmly, rd
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alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on Feb 22, 2010 3:59:52 GMT -5
ok, one confusing stanza gone for ever into the mist
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