Epiphany

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Epiphany

Winter’s upon us, say the emptied trees
as if they’ve learned to reconcile themselves
to Christmas passing. Their necessities—
ornaments, angels, ribbons, lights and elves—
are placed where shadows freeze, where no one delves,
and seasons pass in silence, sight unseen,
until fresh light falls on the dusty shelves
when Yuletide spirits rise, and reconvene
to set aside the year, and what has passed between.


Original

The Day After Christmas

Winter is ready, say the empty trees,
As if they’ve reconciled themselves
To the cold fact that their necessities
Are packed away with this year’s Christmas elves.
The ornaments are stacked and stored on shelves
in attics and in basements. There, unseen,
beauty diminishes where no one delves
until next autumn’s spirits reconvene,
but they will lie in shadow in the time between.

[mfwilkie]

D, What if you opened with something like:

Winter's upon us—so say empty trees
as if they've reconciled themselves
to Christmas passing; (boxed, frivolities/or boxed frivolities
rather than necessities—maybe)

I really like the rhymes but the lines are a bit clunky, like this one:

To the cold fact that their necessities

These two lines both kind of say the same thing:

Are packed away with this year’s Christmas elves.
The ornaments are stacked and stored on shelves

Are packed away_ the verb tense here throws me off a bit.

What if you said something like:

...........................................boxed frivolities,
stacked, put away with bells and this year's elves

Does stacked and put away work for you without having to say attics and basements?

or
with bells, this/the season's elves

and /fragile (or) heart-held memories. There, unseen,

their/ or used beauty gathers dust where no one delves
until next autumn's spirits reconvene.
and sets aside all things that passed between.

I think the tone could use a bit of wonder; since you've given
a voice to the trees, the focus of being stored away until the next season reconvenes might be better said from a different angle.

Moi











I think the tone could use a bit of wonder; since you've given
a voice to the trees, the focus of being stored away until the next season reconvenes might be better said from a different angle.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thanks, Mags. Good thoughts and suggestions. This is an Alexandrine, so I've revised based on your thoughts and ideas. Hope this works better.

[mfwilkie]

Like this a lot, D, but am still not sold on necessities over
frivolities which to me is what the ornaments, etc. are, and is
it the season's frivolities or the trees. Seems to me that it's the
season as I read further on. Decorated trees could be inside or out.

LOVE: where shadows freeze!!!
Terrific flow in that line, too

Winter’s upon us. So say empty trees***

*** I like my so say better than your whisper.
(Laughing here.)

as if they’ve learned to reconcile themselves
to Christmas passing; its frivolities—
ornaments, angels, ribbons, lights and elves—
are placed where shadows freeze and no one delves,
where time is passed in silence, sight unseen,
until (fresh)* light falls on the dusty shelves**
when Yuletide spirits rise, and reconvene
to set aside the year, and what has passed between.

*It needs a modifier there I think

** Besides the modifier, the whole line is a nit in my ear, D.

Have read it several times out loud and I'm thinking (and hearing) IP in lines 4-7.

I think your pauses are well-placed to avoid the sing-song.

Not exact but sticking with your idea of light:

and light reveals the dust on storage shelves.

Almost forgot, D, the title doesn't work. It's too generic.
Let it go and don't think on it. The right one will pop into your head.

Later,

Moi.


Moi

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Mags, good thoughts again, but if I didn't use your suggestion the first time, I'm not using it now.

I like Epiphany. Think of it in two terms. The standard def and the religious, too.

'Preciate your time on this. Happy New Year. I luv ya.

[Tina (Firefly)]

Love the idea, the superior rhyme, many of the original thoughts. Maggie certainly has some super suggestions, though it's always fun to see/hear the poet's ideas for keeping some of the personal points. This might be titled 'The 26th' as an alternative. Happy New YEAR, Da-veed!!

[ramadevi]

Excellent revision David. Loved the freezing shadows

I also think you can come up with a better title.