Trains & Cowboys

[determinedtofail]

Trains & Cowboys Revised Version

How do memories liken to candles?

Candles dribble down sideways
drip the obscure blood of pearls
cover History's wound
with an inceptionless look.

How do memories compare to reality?

Sometimes I have only guesses
close approximations;
empty tunnels where trains emerge,
skies where the clouds run over each other.

How do memories travel?

When I was young
everything old went in to the same bucket.

Now when water overflows
I wonder at the past,
at the choices our parents made.

And I find
One has to be under a certain age
to be forgiven
for asking people disturbing questions.

Someday,
I would like to be a cowboy,
Knock on every door
come away
picking through a bag of candy
throwing out the worst pieces.




This may be out of season, but the poem kept directing me to this time.

PIECES

Where do the pieces go?

The grow legs and walk away.
They drip like candles.
They have messy rooms
people do not want you to see.

Questions are dangerous;
have to be shoveled back in their cage
or they will tear up hope
into broken pieces of chocolate
and hit the carpet with elephant feet.

Questions are dangerous.

One has to to be under a certain age
to be forgiven
for knocking, disturbing
strange memories

I would like to be a cowboy,
ignoring the mud,
forgetting the cold

Knocking on memories
looking through a bag of candy
throwing out the worst pieces.


---12/31/09 Austin

[mfwilkie]

Austin,

I really like this draft, but the liking begins after the title
and the opening line with 'They grow legs and walk away.'

By the end of the first stanza, I'm at a loss as to what
the pieces are.
What if you began with Pieces of............. (identify the pieces in the blank) and used the title as part of your opening line?

Pieces of........................

grow legs and walk away.

Follow the opening line with a line break; think the reader could use the pause to settle the image in his head before moving to the next two images.

Pieces of...................

grow legs and walk away.

They drip like candles. *
They have messy rooms
people do not want you to see.

* You might consider dropping the period at the end of this line:
They drip like candles and replace it with a comma,

and end the stanza with:

have messy rooms
people do not want to see.

Questions are dangerous;
have to be shoveled back in their cage ('they should be' maybe?)
or they will tear up hope
into broken pieces of chocolate
and hit the carpet with elephant feet.

Questions are dangerous.***

*** You could say 'Yes.' before the next line to give it more power:

Yes. Questions are dangerous.

One has to to be under a certain age****
to be forgiven
for knocking, disturbing
strange memories.

****
One has to be of a certain age
to be forgiven

This next stanza is fantastic, but without punc. at the end of it and the capital K on 'knocking', I'm a bit tossed in making a connection with the next stanza. Is it the 'cold' that is
'knocking on memories'? Personally, I could live without that line
in the poem.

I would like to be a cowboy,
ignoring the mud,
forgetting the cold

Knocking on memories
looking through a bag of candy
throwing out the worst pieces.

A thought:

I would like to be a cowboy,
ignoring the mud,
forgetting the cold
pawing through a bag of candy,

throwing out the worst pieces.

From the images I get reading this last stanza, you might consider another word for 'looking'. I used pawing which seems to suit the image of a cowboy out on the range.

And again, I recommend another line break to set apart the last line to tie it reader back more strongly to the the title and the opening line.

I said it before but I'll say it again, Austin, nice draft.

Maggie

[antman]

Austin,
I read your poem and enjoyed it's imagery
nothing to offer except that S1/L1 has a typo.
And I agree with Maggie about dropping
the "Knocking on memories" line.


peace in,
anthony

[Marion Poirier]

Good draft, Austin. I like Maggie's suggestion
of naming the pieces in the first line.
It's obvious to me that you are talking about
segments of (your) life or the N's life. I'd
use years in lieu of pieces in the first line.
I think it gives the reader a better perspective
on the poem; you could drop most of the pronouns
they-breathing life into the poem. Using pieces
is not only abstract but less than pleasant IMO.

The ending lines about looking through a
bag of candy does not striker me as a good simile
or comparison for looking back through the years.
I would use hour glass rather than bag of candy
giving it more substance.

Just a few suggestions to take or leave as always.
Marion

[determinedtofail]

Hello,

Lately I have been poetically constipated, so sorry for the late replays.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone, gave me some good insight.

Working on this poem I wanted to convey how memories differ from person to person. the event happens, but we as people alter what part to take in, modify , change, or throw out. That was my main goal.

Also I had the notion of imagining oneself as being special, (ie a cowboy) but performing the same actions (trick or treating) everyone else does while growing up.

Be interested in hearing what you poets think and if these two intentions of mine come forth in the poem, and if not then maybe some suggestions as to how to attain it.


Cheers,

Shawn

[Marion Poirier]

Hello Austin,
If it were mine, I'd begin the poem
When I was young.

That is when the poem started making sense to me.
As far as the new title, I don't find it intriguing
The line I like best in the poem
is "Knock on every door" because it reminds
me of a novel with a similar name.

I think it would draw more attention.
However, if you use for a title, I'd delete it from the
poem. Perhaps change the perspective
from cowboy to vagabond or wanderer.

These are my thoughts; hope you find some
food for thought.
Regards,
Marion