Correcting the Precedent

[David Nelson Bradsher]

The Garden Precedent

You hate those movies with a happy end,
Complaining, Happy endings leave me cold.
You never dab your face, as tears descend,
sniffing contently as credits roll.

You play the cynic, barking madly while
The couple reconciles, and, in a chapel,
A bride walks whitely down a flowered aisle.
You sit and stew, mumbling about an apple.

Your reference, I assume, is her as Eve).
Is bitterness your choice? Involuntary?
Is it an instinct honed to disbelieve
The inclination of a man to marry?

Adam Incarnate wouldn’t be enraged,
Not so intensively his heart would harden.
In fact, I think that they remained engaged
Despite their difficulties in the Garden.

[Marion Poirier]

David, very good rhymed and metered poem
as always. The only thing I stumble on is
S2, line 3 that probably does not surprise you.
Walked whitely - of course, there is no such
word as whitely and even poetic license is
too much of a stretch. Also, you don't
need bride-to-be as to-be is understood;
my suggestion is to rewrite the entire line.

Very enjoyable read.

Thanks,
marion

[mfwilkie]

David,

In the opening stanza, the N talks about plural movie endings before it moves to a singular movie ending.

I get what you're doing but it's a bit awkward.

Acou0le of suggestions for keeping it all movies in general. Althought that would leave you the task of pluralizing from
here * down.

You hated movies with a happy ending,
Complaining, Happy endings leave me cold.
You never dabbed your face for tears descending,
nor sniffed contently as credits rolled.

You played the cynic, barking madly while
Each couple reconciled,

*...................................and, in a chapel,

A bride-to-be walked whitely/ moved lightly/ down an aisle.
You had it good…and still you bit the apple?!

(Referring, I assume, to her as your her meant Eve).

(Interpreting: I know your you meant Eve.)

Is bitterness a choice? Involuntary?
Is it an instinct honed to disbelieve
The inclination of a man to marry?** Nice rhyming, here!

I like the last two lines, D, but the opening lines in this stanza
are a bit muddied.

Although Eve is mentioned above. She doesn't tie into your last stanza.

Adam Incarnate wouldn’t be enraged,
Not so intensively his heart would harden.
In fact, I think that they remained engaged
Despite their difficulties in the Garden.

Later,

Mags

















You played the cynic, barking madly while
The couple reconciled, and, in a chapel,
A bride-to-be walked whitely down an aisle.
You had it good…and still you bit the apple?!

[Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner]

Hi David--

I too stumbled in S2L2 and 3 but not because of 'walked whitely' the entire two line set is awkward due more to the pauses you have to take... it's tough on the tongue but once the pauses are understood it rolls fine... I will have to whoile-hearted disagree with Marion on poetic license and 'whitely' ... it most assuredly within your poetic license to use such a word... and i do think it's a word... no offense Marion just a difference of opinion!!

I like the metaphor or allegory you use of adam and eve to chastise your movie "date" of her disdain and cynicism... I think this is nicely done david!

[Marion Poirier]

David, I stand corrected. Whitely is an actual word,
should have looked it up first. I've never heard or
used it before, very clever, if strange.

marion

[antman]

I agree with Michael on this being a well written allegory,
and enjoyed this read very much.


anthony

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Dang, I didn't even know it was a word, either

I was actually using poetic license due to the overwhelming whiteness of a bride shushing down the aisle.

Thanks to all who commented, and I'll try to revise this accordingly.

I owe a lot of feedback to our persistent members, and I'm sorry not to have given more lately. Now that the muse is returning, perhaps my visits will be more frequent and more fruitful.

[ramadevi]

So pleased your muse has returned, dear David!

This is witty and well written in your masterful rhyme and meter style.

Loved every line---including WHITELY.
No stumbles for me.

Warm smiles,
rama devi

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

A succinct 16 lines elaborating on a current theme. Enjoyed harden and garden. From the personal to the biblical, to the universal.
Enjoyable read for me............thanks, David.