|
|
Post by mfwilkie on Feb 13, 2008 19:07:17 GMT -5
Travel with me, Henry.
We have neglected breakers much too long
and need to dampen our un-buttoned hair
with mist that lifts from never-ending
motion.
Italian ships flounder when put to sea—
they sink from casuistry, from reputation,
a sad lack of joy in their DNA
(sincerity can be a mask, a face
controlled)
Let's find those rooms where time waltzes in words,
large, sea-aired rooms with drape-free windows pleased
with shades of grey, storm-driven greys, Henry—
greys lead to mornings under salmon-tourquoise
skies.
It's all in the waiting, Henry.
Love's all about the waiting.
|
|
|
|
Post by sandpiper on Feb 13, 2008 21:14:00 GMT -5
There are some great images in this Maggie, I'm having a bit of a trouble with the mask line reference. It's not lining up for me, and I'd be more than happy to see that line not included, so, if you help me understand that, I'll be golden.
I think for this line:
"within the greys we'll find a salmon-tourqoius"
possibly within these/those greys, within that grey. something to tighten the image, the "the" seems a little flat there. and sp. "turquoise/turquois"?
Other than that no nits. love the un-buttoned hair, the motion, the reputation, and the waltz of words.
-piper
|
|
|
|
Post by mfwilkie on Feb 13, 2008 23:12:24 GMT -5
Good point about the mask line, piper.
I put it in () as an aside. I think it works then.
I had those greys, then changed the darn thing.
Thanks for the nudge to bring it back.
Maggie
|
|
|
|
Post by johnnysaturn on Feb 14, 2008 4:06:00 GMT -5
The word that hit me when reading this was symphonic. Altogether splendid.
|
|
|
|
Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Feb 14, 2008 9:22:02 GMT -5
Love it, Maggie. I'll be there with my dancing shoes on as soon as I finish having Italian.  |
|
zambatriste
Member
Does this mean you liked the meatloaf?
Posts: 26
|
Post by zambatriste on Feb 17, 2008 18:31:25 GMT -5
Love the images evoked in the first stanza. Unbuttoned hair..ooooh! An image of propriety come undone.
Is causitry a mispell? Should it be causistry?
Wonderful!
|
|
|
|
Post by mfwilkie on Feb 17, 2008 21:21:05 GMT -5
Thanks for the catch, Lara.
Forgot an 's'
Maggie
|
|
|
|
Post by LynnDoiron on Feb 18, 2008 15:03:54 GMT -5
something has changed. not sure what. but the blue tetra surprise we talked about no longer works for me. maybe the only change was in me?
|
|
|
|
Post by mfwilkie on Feb 18, 2008 17:06:09 GMT -5
I was busy doing a revision while you were reading, chicky.
Let me know what you think if you drop back by.
Mugs
|
|
|
|
Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Feb 18, 2008 17:29:21 GMT -5
Mags, it only got better. ;D
|
|
|
|
Post by LynnDoiron on Feb 18, 2008 18:58:45 GMT -5
Let's find those rooms [were] where time waltzes in words,
large, sea-aired rooms with drape-free windows pleased
with shades of grey, storm-driven greys, Henry—
greys [raise] risen up from mornings under salmon-tourquoise
skies.
i'm positive i'm wrong about suggestions to last line of above, yet the raise seemed wrong somehow.
|
|
|
|
Post by mfwilkie on Feb 18, 2008 19:05:33 GMT -5
maybe
greys lead to mornings under salmon-tourquoise
skies
|
|
