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Post by Angel Clementine on Jan 23, 2010 14:02:05 GMT -5
I Caught A Glimpse
Scene through the lens: a different me-
a closer look of how I'd be be
if I could walk through walls I'd built,
move home, move back to dust and silt,
and put back what my guarded heart
removed-- a love made at the start;
then tears might linger on my face.
I fear to dream of such a place.
The stranger in that world I knew
was me when I was loving you.
Would cheats and lies you couldn't atone
direct my heart to stay alone?
Seen in the lens to Inner Me,
I caught a glimpse of what might be.
Angel Clementine
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GD Martin
EP 250 Posts Plus
It is 11 April 2015, and I am standing here in the silence.
Posts: 400
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Post by GD Martin on Jan 28, 2010 1:36:52 GMT -5
Reads well. GD
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Post by mfwilkie on Feb 15, 2010 16:21:09 GMT -5
Angel,
A thought on your opening:
If I had foresight, I could see
a glimpse into eternity,*
Foresight is seeing, so I don't think you need to repeat the implied idea with ' I could see', or the next line.
Had I the benefit of foresight,
I never would have loved you,
built walls around the truth,
or given up the forest for the tree.
Try to keep each line a separate, clear idea.
The N says a lot about what it would do, but nothing concrete in the way of reasonable reasons for thinking this way.
I'm not sure about trying to put this into rhyming couplets
until you get flow and meter down pat.
Give slant or near rhymes in Blank Verse a try: you/truth.
I think it would give you more room to maneuver.
Keep at it.
Maggie
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Post by Angel Clementine on Feb 16, 2010 3:19:48 GMT -5
Thank you, Maggie, for your comments. I need the objective eye. I shall rethink this; this was actually one of those poems written, using another poet's list of ten words as a "challenge", and you probably know how that sometimes goes. But I've been in this situation before, and the more fun "challenge" for ME is to use my talent to take "crap", and turn it into something beautiful (some call it, "rugged beauty"-kinda like putting a pearl necklace on a pig). *Angel
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Post by mfwilkie on Feb 18, 2010 12:56:28 GMT -5
Angel,
Watch the verb tenses, particularly if they involve one thought over several lines.
Maggie
Scene through the lens: a different me-
a closer look of how I'd be be
if I had walked through walls I'd built,
moveed home, moved back to dust and silt.
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Post by Angel Clementine on Feb 18, 2010 21:47:00 GMT -5
Thank you for your ideas, Maggie. *Angel
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