GD Martin
EP 250 Posts Plus
It is 11 April 2015, and I am standing here in the silence.
Posts: 400
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Mindful
Jan 25, 2010 2:50:04 GMT -5
Post by GD Martin on Jan 25, 2010 2:50:04 GMT -5
Mindful
I am afraid, this morning, of my face;* the hour glass sifts out time too fast. Each wrinkly crease points to the end, that the mirror's looking past.
Her hands are cold, and we are old as sin; I stand here, mindful of our fate. Behind, the wall is covered with her dreams, bright boats that rock and ride the wake.
Will she ever walk, again, to stroll through rising tides with me? My face flaunts age, a silent scream: "More youthful times, no more to be!"
GD Martin
*Opening line of the eighth stanza from Randall Jarrell's poem titled "Next Day".
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Mindful
Jan 25, 2010 4:39:57 GMT -5
Post by mfwilkie on Jan 25, 2010 4:39:57 GMT -5
This is going to mess up your rhyming some, but what if you started out something like this, Gary?
I am afraid, this morning, of my face. Her hands are cold, and we are old as sin, and I am ever mindful of my fate.
The poem turns immediately with the introduction of her hands in the second line, but it works.
Near rhymes would give you some line flexibility.
You might consider hour glass instead of sand clock
Not too sure how wrinkled date works with the line that follows it. Not sure what a wrinkled is, quite honestly.
Keep your images as clear as you can, Gary,
Consider using italics or quotes around the borrowed line, or something like this:
I am afraid, this morning, of my face;*
At the bottom of the page:
*Opening line of the eighth stanza from Randall Jarrell's poem titled the "Next Day". Published by Whoever Press and in what year.
Maggie
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GD Martin
EP 250 Posts Plus
It is 11 April 2015, and I am standing here in the silence.
Posts: 400
|
Mindful
Jan 26, 2010 2:32:27 GMT -5
Post by GD Martin on Jan 26, 2010 2:32:27 GMT -5
Thank you, Maggie, for your help and suggestions. They mean a lot to me. GD
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Mindful
Jan 26, 2010 19:28:07 GMT -5
Post by mfwilkie on Jan 26, 2010 19:28:07 GMT -5
You are always welcome to a piece of my mind, Gary.
Glad to hear you are the mend.
Maggie
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Mindful
Jan 29, 2010 10:39:33 GMT -5
Post by Angel Clementine on Jan 29, 2010 10:39:33 GMT -5
GD, why don't you replace, "blares out" with, "flags years"? It makes a stronger and clearer metaphor to compare "face" to "semaphore". *Angel
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GD Martin
EP 250 Posts Plus
It is 11 April 2015, and I am standing here in the silence.
Posts: 400
|
Mindful
Jan 29, 2010 10:46:58 GMT -5
Post by GD Martin on Jan 29, 2010 10:46:58 GMT -5
Thank you, Angel.
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