Phone call

[schuyler]

A distraught phone call
From a young woman
Early in the morning
Before Good Morning America
Reminds me
That life is short
And cold
And mean
And maybe I should
Have called you
Like I promised.

[mfwilkie]

Welcome to the neighborhood, schuyler.

For me thepeom is about the calls effect on the N, and less the distraught young woman.

A couple of questions for you to consider in that regard.

Is it necessary for the reader to know the call came from a woman?

'Distraught" strikes as more feminine in its descriptive application,
so my experience in life gave me a woman calling in the very first
line, but someone's death in the middle of the night could upset a man enough to be distraught. So, I'm thinking based on the info in the poem, you might leave the identity of the caller out.

And do you need to say 'Early in the morning'? Is there a way to
use 'Good Morning America' more poetically. Maybe by personifying it, giving it some relationship to the phone call.
News and news.

Since the N or V (Narrator/Voice) of the poem is troubled enough to mention the call, what about a word stronger than reminds
or saying it a different way?

One other thing I'd like to mention is line lenghts.

When drafting a poem, let each line flush itself out
with meaning.

An opening line needs to grab the reader's poetic attention.

What it says and how it says it are more important than how it looks on a page.

a distraught phone call is a 'telling'

Well before Good Morning America rises*

Establishes the approximate time of the phone call as very early in the morning and personifies all of GMA as one individual rising.
A showing.

Having said all of that, here's what I'm hearing from the poem.

Well before Good Morning America rises*
to deliver its news, ** a distraught phone call
comes with reminders of just how short and cold
and mean life can be.

How maybe I should have called like I promised.***

*Personification of GMA

**Using 'reminds' differently.

*** You pronoun removed.

Same poem without the astericks, endambed for flow,
and the effect of words on the reader.

Well before Good Morning America rises
to deliver its news, a distraught phone call comes
with reminders of just how short and cold and mean
life can be.

How maybe I should have called like I promised.

If nothing else, remember this one thing:

In a short poem, every word counts.

Maggie

[Jay Gandhi (engineering poet!)]

The poem is very nice. It conveys the meaning with very few words. I like this. Maggie has already disected the poem left right and centre...lol...I agree with what she says. In ANY poem every word counts..

Thanks for a good read..

[Marion Poirier]

Hi Schuyler,

I agree with much of Maggie's review. You don't
need morning twice, and the beginning
line is very important. Good ending line.
I'd take out the cold and mean.
IMO Life is short says it all as far the poem
is concerned. Seems to me that someone has
died or is in the ICU. Rather than young woman,
I'd be more specific and say a friend or my sister-in-law.
etc. It gives the reader a clearer image of the caller
and what the call is about. It is more than likely a family
member who would call early in the morning
with distressing news, but you never know ....

I think all the bases have been covered, but the initial
caps at the beginning of each line slows down the
flow and an old-fashioned style. I have rarely seen it used
in contemporary poetry.

Good first poem.
Hope to see more and welcome to EP.

Marion