Bulimic

[solwic]

Bulimic

She kneels before the toilet, lifts the hatch,
the smell of cleaning bleaches sting her eyes.
Her hair is pulled back so as not to catch
the evidence that would betray her guise.

Her hands, she keeps them squeezed between her thighs,
afraid to stick her finger down her throat.
Instead, it's ipecac - oh what a prize -
a purgative plant root, used to promote

a bod like Aphrodite's, trim and haute;
that ipecac, it's beauty in a jar
that lets her have her Rocky Road (sans bloat)
and "only one more piece" of Hershey bar.

Just then, the cake she had for breakfast flies,
and five more pounds melt off before her very eyes.

[GD Martin]

Nice rhythm and rhyme going on, but more importantly, it hits close to home-my home, my daughter 15 years ago. Your poem packs a punch.
Keep up the posting. There are also poets in the study hall forum who can be helpful in the future. GD Martin

[mfwilkie]

Hello, again.

Reading this a bit deeper, I think you need to introduce her purging in the first stanza, so I used the verb, barf as a 'suggested modifier' for evidence.


She kneels before the toilet, lifts the hatch
(the smell of(from?) cleaning bleaches sting(s) her eyes).

Consider making the second line an 'aside'.

Her hair is pulled back so as not to catch

Her hair is ponytailed so it won't catch*
the barfed evidence that would might
betray her guise.

* I suggest ponytailed to heighten the image of her pulled back hair and to straighten out the 'mouth athletics' of:
'so as not to catch'

Her hands? She keeps them squeezed between her thighs,
afraid to stick her finger(s) down her throat.

Instead, it's ipecac - oh what a prize - **

** A thought here:

She's swallowed ipecac, the purger's prize

a purgative plant root***, used to promote

***Pretty much everyone know's what ipecac is, do you need
to use the six syllables to explain what it is, or can you use those syllables to underscore the secrecy of the illness,
maybe describe the ipecac another way?

She's swallowed ipecac, the purger's prize,
the modern-ancient plant girls will promote

afor bods like Aphrodite's: trim and haute;(.)


that ipecac, it's beauty in a jar
Damned ipecac! Frail/Faux beauty from/in a jar

that lets her have her Rocky Road (sans bloat),
one extra piece of Hersey's chocolate bar.

Just then, the cake she had for breakfast flies,
and five more pounds melt off before her very eyes.

I liked this when I first read it, like the tone of voice you establish at the beginning very much, and trying to stay true to that voice, these suggestions are made to clarify the progression of thoughts and images in the poem and to let your muse
chew on technique awhile before you revise.

I'll ask David to look at this later today.


Maggie

[solwic]

Wow, very in depth analysis, and very useful suggestions. Thank you. This is one I wanted to submit for publication, so it'll definitely be revised.

Also, how does the posting thing work? I read the sticky about asking for a poem to be removed before a new one was posted? Or something to that effect. How does that work?

Thanks again for the breakdown. My creative process is very instinctual, very raw, and a lot of the issues I have (in my opinion) are with technique. These types of detailed reviews are very, very helpful.

[mfwilkie]

David and I were talking about the opening line today and he had a terrific suggestion:

She makes it to the toilet, lifts the hatch

You don't have to remove your poems at all.
Just start a new thread.

Good instincts!

[David Nelson Bradsher]

She makes it to the bowl, and lifts the hatch
as vapors of the bleach assail her eyes.
Her hair is pulled back so as not to catch
another purging of enormous size.

She keeps her hands squeezed tight between her thighs,
too scared to stick her finger down her throat.
Instead, it's ipecac - an ugly prize -
a plant root for the purgers, to promote

a bod like Aphrodite's, trim and haute;
that ipecac--it's beauty in a jar
that lets her have her Rocky Road (sans bloat)
and "only one more block" of Hershey bar.

Just then, the cake she had for breakfast flies,
and five more pounds are gone, before her very eyes.

[solwic]

Thanks for the input, my friend. I'm contemplating whether or not to ditch the Spenserian form; it opens up the piece a little if I do. At the same time, I like the form...ah, decisions.

Again, thanks for taking time out of your busy day to give this a look over. Once I have the changes finalized, I'll post an updated version.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

J,

I agree that you really don't need the Spenserian form for this one, especially because the last line would work better not as an alexandrine.

Looking forward to your revisions, brother.

[mfwilkie]

Not sure of the Submission Guidelines of the contest
you're entering but don't post the final revision in the thread
if you're going to enter it.

Put in a PM: Click on our names and then the tab for send message.

You might want to re-think the title, too.
The one you have is absolutely telling.

Maggie

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Maggie has a good point about the title, James, unless it needs to have one with Bulimia in the title.

Something like Purge, The Purge, Purging, or The Purging might work without calling it by name. Even Purger, or The Purger Just a thought.