GD Martin
EP 250 Posts Plus
It is 11 April 2015, and I am standing here in the silence.
Posts: 400
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Post by GD Martin on Mar 4, 2010 3:17:08 GMT -5
(a recurring dream dedicated to my wife)
The Warm Night
Whirling through stardust,
I appeared in her chamber;
'neath her warmth I lie stoked
in a fog of smoked amber.
With fervor I breathed her
blazed incense-filled air
wrought up by feeling
and the heat of her hair.
Through whispers of sunlight
she slipped from my sight
as dawn's rays awoke me
and quelled the warm night.
GD Martin
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Post by Angel Clementine on Mar 7, 2010 10:27:28 GMT -5
An edit of charm and sensuality, teetering on the brink of PG 13. *Angel
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Post by mfwilkie on Mar 7, 2010 17:40:23 GMT -5
Laughing here at what Angel wrote, Gary!!!
A coupe of things:
Stardust, the music, or stardust as in dream-sleep?
What if you broke this out of the older language
but still kept it in the 'almost not for anyone under 18' catergory,
bringing it very much forward, making it more visable to the reader?
Whirling through Stardust,
I dreamt myself to her chamber
Maggie
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GD Martin
EP 250 Posts Plus
It is 11 April 2015, and I am standing here in the silence.
Posts: 400
|
Post by GD Martin on Mar 8, 2010 2:38:15 GMT -5
It's Stardust, as in dream-sleep. I get a kick out of the older language. I'll try out your suggestion for the second line, for awhile, and see how it feels to me. Thank you for the read and the suggestion. As Always, Gary
It's later: Thanks to both of you, Maggie and Angel.
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Post by Angel Clementine on Mar 9, 2010 2:16:11 GMT -5
(Hello, Maggie; "gotta always go for the comedy" *Angel)
GD,
I like the sentence Maggie supplied you with for L2, but you are going to somehow have to insert some of those select words into the end of L1, in order to cut down to less syllables in L2; perhaps, you can put the subject in the beginning of L1, and then follow it with a compound verb in L1 & L2. Then, you can maybe reword your dependent clause (the "Stardust" thing), and follow it with the subject in L1. I get a kick out of "the old language", as well, but please, at least, make twelve more people happier by losing, "ere"; put it out to pasture with "hither", "thither", and "yonder". Thank you. *Angel
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Post by mfwilkie on Mar 9, 2010 7:00:10 GMT -5
Funny!!!!
I love the old language, too.
Wherefore art thou, Will?
Find him, and that makes four of us.
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Post by Angel Clementine on Mar 10, 2010 18:47:21 GMT -5
We can hire an actor, Maggie. *Angel
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Post by mfwilkie on Mar 10, 2010 19:12:16 GMT -5
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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GD Martin
EP 250 Posts Plus
It is 11 April 2015, and I am standing here in the silence.
Posts: 400
|
Post by GD Martin on Mar 16, 2010 22:34:06 GMT -5
I edited the first two lines for awhile, but to me it lost something, and became mundane; I had to go back to my original wording, back to where I once connected, when I first traveled through, not only Space, but Time, as well--into a chamber. Perhaps, I have a very old soul. Thank you both for your time and comments. GD
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Post by mfwilkie on Mar 17, 2010 2:08:50 GMT -5
Then thou shalt hither and thither
to thy heart's content, whilst I
remain over yonder, Gary. ( = :
Mags
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GD Martin
EP 250 Posts Plus
It is 11 April 2015, and I am standing here in the silence.
Posts: 400
|
Post by GD Martin on Mar 18, 2010 0:04:54 GMT -5
As always, Maggie, your eyes and time are appreciated. I need that objectivity. Thank you, sincerely.
Gary
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Post by mfwilkie on Mar 18, 2010 9:16:34 GMT -5
Ypu are very welcome.
How goes the music?
Maggie
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GD Martin
EP 250 Posts Plus
It is 11 April 2015, and I am standing here in the silence.
Posts: 400
|
Post by GD Martin on Mar 18, 2010 9:31:56 GMT -5
I have more lyrics, than I do melodies.
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