I Took The El Train

[GD Martin]

I Took The El Train

I Took the El Train to Avalon Park
in languid repose on a seat, I embarked,
while leaned heads posed listless thru hums and gales;
I hopped on the Red Line to the Walking Trails.

Lamented, not I, for my labor behind,
which vapidly passed from all levels of mind.
I saw an old blind man, and some Sisters in Black,
and puppy-faced sailors all hauling their sacks.

A homeless man rode, who had just lost his wife;
he told me he was riding to forget about life.
With luck, I had linked to a lush, sunset sky
at the train's crimson halt on its final tie.



GD Martin

[mfwilkie]

Oh, Gary, I like what you're doing here with the couplets, like the enjambing.

My biggest nit is its clarity of images and sentence construction.

Ex: line 2 should be as clear as line 1.

Think you could use another couplet between lines 6 and 7.

Keep working at this, but dont lose it's energy and voice.

Maggie

[GD Martin]

Thank you, Maggie. GD