Little Blue Pill

[solwic]

Would really like some feedback on this one, please and thank you.

Little Blue Pill

A friend of mine said, "Try it, you'll agree
these things are a like a genie, bottled up!
(You ever seen Aladdin? Exactly
like that!) Just pour some water in a cup,

then down the hatch, and watch the fireworks!
Was that a pun? Oh yes, there's lots of 'bang'!
Just make sure she's around to get the perks
that come along when Pedro doesn't hang."

And so I did. I popped two, took a shot
of Jack (straight up), then called out, "Honey Bear!"
She came in, looked, and said, "Oh! I forgot
how big it gets!" and dragged me up the stairs.

If my "condition" lasts for more than four
turns of the clock, I'll block the bedroom door.

[mfwilkie]

What about trying this in Blank Verse?
It'll give you more room to develope the images and humor.
(David just got real pale.)


Or, barring that, change the rhyme scheme in the first quatrain.
And clear it up a bit. It reads too forced.


A friend of mine said,Go ahead and try it!
I did. And let me tell you what a night/romp/time
we had.




then down the hatch, and watch the fireworks!
Was that a pun? Oh yes, there's lots of 'bang'!

Just make sure she's around to get the perks
when Pedro comes alive and wants to bang/play.

And so I did. I popped two, took a shot
of Jack (straight up), then called out, "Honey Bear!"
She came in, looked/stared, and said, "Oh! I forgot
how big it gets!" and dragged me up the stairs.

If my "condition" lasts for more than four
turns of the clock, I'll block/bar the bedroom door.

Funny. The last quatrain and the couplet, both.

Maggie