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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Mar 23, 2010 11:10:14 GMT -5
Sunday midnight, March
howls in agony, epitaphs
cry through spinning air
to the dazzling equinox moon.
Brittle leaves, cracked with pain
rattle under the naked red oak, scatter
death across frozen grass, rabbits
dance in silver robes under broken moonlight.
A last breath.
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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Mar 24, 2010 9:45:19 GMT -5
I think there is a tense issue with...cracked with pain...everything else is present tense. I am not sure you really need the line anyway. It seems the least fresh of what is otherwise a very tight little mysterious poem. Perhaps you can replace broken with cracked to qualify moonlight as broken moonlight is not quite as fresh as the rest of the poem. So it would read:
Sunday midnight, March
howls in agony, epitaphs
cry through spinning air
to the dazzling equinox moon.
Brittle leaves, rattle under
the naked red oak, scatter
death across frozen grass, rabbits
dance in silver robes under cracked moonlight.
A last breath.
March howls in agony is a very, very good image. Darn my review is longer then the poem.
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Post by Marion Poirier on Mar 24, 2010 16:45:17 GMT -5
Powerful images, Tina.
I would tone it done a bit, but that's me.
(Only another perspective.) Imaginative
and provocative poem. Marion
Sunday midnight,
March howls in pain,
spinning epitaphs through air
to the dazzling equinox moon.
Brittle leaves rattle
under the naked red oak;
rabbits dance in silver robes
across frozen grass.
A last breath.
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Mar 24, 2010 21:38:00 GMT -5
Wow. I really like what each of you had to say! Need a few days to think over the re-write. Thanks for the great comments!!
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Post by mfwilkie on Mar 26, 2010 0:35:17 GMT -5
Tina, I looked up equinoctial to see if it fist, to soften the use of 'dazzling' and because of the rhythm I think the line needs.
Sunday midnight, March
howls in agony, epitaphs
cry through spinning air
to the dazzling equinox moon.
beneath dazzling equinotial light.
I'm thinking you don't have to let the reader know
that it was a Sunday night. And the last line you could probably lose. I don't think it adds to the poem.
The title, too, Tina, is misleading Ithink. Even with the last line, it doesn't really connect the reader with the poem.
Some thoughts on re-structuring:
Midnight. And March howls its agony,
epitaphs sent spinning beneath dazzling
equinotial light.
Brittle leaves scatter the sound of death
beneath naked oaks, across still frozen grass.
Rabbits in silver robes honor the cold brief pause
between equal day and equal night with a dance.
I spelled out the 'equinox' in the last line on purpose.
Nice images and great tone.
Maggie
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sanctus
EP 250 Posts Plus
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.~FN
Posts: 389
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Post by sanctus on May 5, 2010 23:39:49 GMT -5
I am most intrigued by your clever use of dating twice in the first stanza. We can readily surmise that the date in question is March 21, the day immediately following the spring equinox in 2010. I'm not sure if you need Sunday, March and Equinox to date the scene, but it is an interesting choice, nonetheless. I am left wondering if it is Midnight that howls or something else. The inclusion of brittle leaves in the spring time setting throws me a bit, but could easily be explained based on location. Oddly, it is the the location that I wish to see in my mind's eye and my ear has yet to hear a leaf rattle. Despite these thoughts, I like the image that the poem creates in my head and I enjoy the thought of broken moonlight as a metaphor for something else. You might consider adding a stanza in place of the last dangling line.
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